10.21.24
People are also biased, judgemental, and mean. On the internet, you don’t have to see the people you are talking to. Many people are more likely to be confrontational when they don’t have to deal with a physical person. Personally, I don't care for judging endless theres a good enough reason to.I think people like to feel important and superior. So that's why they judge I understand it can be other things such as insecurities, jealousy, certain beliefs and religion. But I was told judging a sin so I don't know why they do it.
10.22.24
I really udedy hate how I don't follow these people's beauty standards, I was always the last option and the outcast and the left behind person. Always given the bad jobs. People yell at me if I made a mistake but yet when this girl who was the most prettiest girl in class did, she was told "hey it's okay" "people make mistakes". They are not nice to me nor kind. They made me feel worse and they made me feel less important and they made me feel, that I don't matter to any kind and that I am not worth it. Everything I do is for them considered weird and awkward and they have always made fun of me and bullied me. Most of all they belittle me. All of this I experienced it all. I really hope someone can understand this. I never really even had a boyfriend in real life. I hate it. Y'all ruined my self esteem from day one. I have no idea why I never did anything to anyone, but you bullied and made fun of me ? I don't know how many pictures I will put on here but you know I do want people to know who the owner is. I don't think it's necessary. But I don't let these things bother me anymore, there's no point
11.7.24
The last version of me that they knew, or still know me as. That's something I can't change. Sometimes I wish it was something I could change. But other times I hope they remember me that way, Although I wouldn't want to spoil the memories we had together with the person that I am today even if I got off on the wrong side. They wouldn't have been as fond by me they remember me by
11.8.24
Ironically it's 5:55 am when I'm typing this. But anyways lately I've had these strangerapid, unplanned actions or more so actually on impulsives, I think I've been quiet, certainly any outbursts were only occasional.
11.8.24
If love is such a good thing why does it hurt so bad? I just wanna feel my hand in someone's, the heat of our own breath between us, and how you'd feel with your lips on mine. I just want someone to love. I hope I find that someday. I really thought I did but maybe he's still out there I just have to wait for him to come. Maybe I'm just blind and he's right in front of me I just don't see it. It doesn't exist though.
11.12.24
This is like a rollercoaster of emotions constantly, all within 24 hours. Feeling empty, and a strong urge to fill the void inside. Anxiety, guilt, second guessing over and over about literally everything, shame, loneliness. Anger, lots of anger over small things, or maybe just everything very often, with anger, frustration that's usually completely out of context but at times they it's not like that for me. Being set off easily, and quickly. A sense of dread and uneasiness about my future. Extremely hard not living in the past, I wish people would understand that . Admiration and hate, switching constantly, for the same person or maybe someone you may like . Feeling land masking. And lastly Unresolved trauma. I’m scared of the world, and in fear that nobody around me loves me for who I am and I am a burden. Yet I feel like everyone could like me. But I feel like I annoy everyone and I should just go away and leave them alone. Switching to "I'm gonna spam text them all day" then "I'm gonna not speak to this person all day" then people not believing anything is wrong. Meaning in reality, your head is a war zone or a jungle. The list goes on. I don't wanna type it all out on juat this one writings.
11.13.24
After a lifetime of being that way I hope my next one won't be that way, I will not make the same mistakes I made at all. I just hope I can find someone to love me for me. I'm sick of being told "he never loved you", "who could ever love you". "I could never love you". It really hurts. Like deeply hurts. Feeling like you will never be loved the way you love others. Is such a kick to the stomach.
11.15.24
I really hate that the smallest thing can happen and suddenly I feel like the room is collapsing and my chest is going to explode. I hate having to choose whether I should let it continue to grow and destroy me inside or if I'm going to open the flood gates and probably hurt the ones I love in the process which I would really hate to do so. I hate myself when it is all over again, shame and regret sits on my chest like a ton of rocks. Really really heavy rocks. I want to take it all back but I can't and all I want to do is to cry. It's not like I can ignore it, the emotional and sometimes physical mess is there to be cleaned up and it feels too big to face at the end of it. But my mistakes are made and those can't be taken back no matter what I do. Emotions so strong my mind can't comprehend nor even react to it switching so fast from happy to sad to emotional to happy. Like yes you may think "oh that's normal" but you're not understanding what I'm saying if you do think that. do the same to you. I'm sorry.
12.14.24
Being called awkward or werid by others, getting almost sick just being in public places or dreading being in a public area, hate walking in a public area especially since everyone is starting at you. This feeling of nervousness can cause your mind to go blank, making it difficult to think of things to say which makes it harder to talk to people in real life. Whenever you hear people laughing you automatically think they're making fun of you.
Also I can't keep eye contact for anything, it makes me feel uncomfortable or one again sick. Which leads up to never being able to talk in a room full of people due to them looking right at you, and the sick feeling. Or sometimes, I will stare directly at someone I don't know why I do it I'm scared too, so I'm going to walk up and slap me one day but I'm still going to do it.
12.16.24
Sometimes, the weight of loneliness can feel suffocating, wrapping around me like a thick fog that won't lift. I find myself in crowded rooms, surrounded by laughter and chatter, yet I remain untouched, a silent observer in a world that seems to move on without me. The silence echoes in my mind, reminding me of the connections I long for but can't seem to grasp. I yearn for a familiar voice or a hand to hold, yet there’s an invisible barrier between me and the warmth of companionship. It's in these moments that I realize how isolating it can be to feel like I’m on the outside looking in, longing for a bridge to span the distance to those who might truly understand. I keep falling in love with people I shouldn't. I can't stand this loneliness, my friends rarely talk to me. I think my crush hates me or I don't think he would ever wanna be with me. I'm not sure why anyone would. I hate this. I just want one person I can talk to all the time, someone who would understand. I keep surrounding myself with people I know are bad for me, but I don't understand why I feel the need to keep them around. I have a hard time trusting people and I'm paranoid about so many things, I wish someone out there would listen BUT I HATE HATE HATE LOVE RIGHT NOW.
12.16.24
We all deserve a happy ending fr
12.16.24
I meant everything I’ve ever said about you, and everything I’ve never said out loud.. and all the good things I think about you and all the bad things I think about You. And I was serious about. I'm not sure if you want to be in a relationship with me or anything, we just met a month or so. I'll give it time. Sometimes I I really wanna talk to you. most of the time I end up not doing so, and i know why but it’s confusing . I know if you wanted to reach out to me , you would’ve lol i try not to bother anyone anymore especially you but sometimes i want to tell you things. and it’s not always romantic or anything , i just want to talk to somebody I don’t wanna be a burden though and I really do like you. Especially with what happened with you know who that one night, I doubt you believe me but I can't force you. But I'll give it time. I can't keep hurting myself over people anymore. I've been afraid of being honest, telling you about all these feelings, you've left me drowning in. But I really don't wanna come off as strange or ruin things. Loving someone requires sacrifices, work and I would be more than willing to make them for you, but what does that make me? Would you do the same for me? You were in my dreams last night.Never seen your face but somehow, I know its you, the whole dream felt funny but I suppose dreams are like that at times. Most dreams with you it in they seem to have that theme. I know time is running out. I know you can't hold onto this forever. Maybe I could though I don't typically get crushes but when I do it's not really good I guess a lot of people are that way. To top off this long letter I wrote for you, I don't know you nearly enough for this, yet here I am contemplating. I do know you enough to know I really like you and it upsets me when you don't talk to be the whole day. I feel like I'm way too old for all this nonsense.
12.17.24
I’m so in love with you. It is sickening. I can’t get you off my mind, I can’t seem to find ways to get over you. I just want you. I want you so much. I see you everywhere. Every spot, every street I go to. I think of you with me. I can't live without you, I am nothing without you. I breathed for you, tore myself apart and put myself back tougher for you
12.17.24
you 12.17.24
I've realistically always been a quiet person,never been a fan of talking to people I don't know - or socializing. I've never had irl really. I don't hangout with people my own age. I only go out on walks by myself which I love. I can listen to my music really loudly, I can think to myself, on top of that I'm burning calories while doing so. I also never really had an actual relationship with a guy besides online. So that means I'm still a virgin at 20 but I don't mind as much. But I really do love my online friends a lot. Which now that I'm 20 it feels weird to say. I hate getting older, but I guess it's a part of life? But I don't really mind not being a teenager anymore, those years were quite lonely and the worse. People were mean to me I used to get bullied ever since middle school. Of course, when I go out in public I have girls pointing at me and laughing but they aren't worth my time. But when I was in school it was different. They would make fun of my eyes and say "they are huge and look like they're gonna fall out of my head". They would make fun of my looks, I even had some guys who'd put hands on me but I won't get into that, they'd make fun of my style, hair, glasses just everything at this point. I never understood why I'm assuming it comes from their own insecurities and then waiting to feel superior which is dumb why bully someone to make yourself feel better about yourself. Whatever I suppose hopefully they'll grow out of it, I still see them in public and I can hear them laughing. Can't wait to move to the city.
12.21.24
Ngl my hair color is probably my favorite thing about myself and I get upset when people say "you should dye it blonde" when nooo I love my brown hair and I don't think it suits me. Tbh I think it brings out my features more? I also love my cheekbones because they are pretty prominent but nothing crazy.
12.28.24
Ever since I was little people including friends keep saying that I'm weird and annoying. This is something I've been hearing for years now but recently it makes me feel upset I suppose. These days, I try to behave different than my usual self when I'm around my friends or people in general. It feels as if I'm not being real. I even avoid texting my friends on my own just for the sake of not making them uncomfortable or annoying by the way I act. I feel like I'm annoying just by texting someone. I feel like no one wants to talk to me. Or no one enjoys talking to me. I also have constantly been left out of things, such as group chats my friends make or left out of stuff by people in real life. Just like when I went to school, people left me out in gym class often. I really don't know what is weird about me and over time I've closed myself off to making friends and the idea of talking with new people is painful. I thought it was my style (I don't know how to explain it but I often wear baggy pants and band shirts), music taste or my interest in genral, since they have made fun of me for it. But I'm not sure. My friends were also calling me a femcel behind my back?? I'm not sure what's up with that but they were also calling me weird, ugly and annoying. As far as I know I'm not ugly, I wouldn’t say I’m super or the most attractive but I would say I’m average. I go to the gym nearly every day, In good shape, I like to think of my self as a nice and thoughtful girl, so I’m not sure what I do to be treated like this. I've been bullied by multiple people most of my life and I never understood why.
1.1.25.
How could you possibly hurt someone this bad ? Love does not exist because it is an idealistic concept. Love at first sight is just lust. Not love. I'm sick of falling in love just to get hurt. Half of you cant trust fully even your partner. You dont truly know whats in their head. And also love is a chemical that tricks your brain into believing it's something special. I wish someone could prove me wrong each time I fell in love I was devastated. Twice. Especially being around these days, there’s no such thing as love. Too much lying cheating and deceiving. If you happen to have found your idea of “love” hold onto it at all costs! but basically for me, I haven't been able to find it. It's actually tearing me apart. It's at a point I don't like couples. Seeing couples in real life and online, none of the people are perfect cause no one is , but I really don’t feel inferior to them, but they’re them and I’m me, and I feel like I’m not capable of having someone love me that way, it doesn’t feel real. My mind won’t let me even consider the idea that someone could have feelings toward me. Right now I still have a really big crush on the same guy but for me crushes are absolutely devastating. My heart always seems to get stomped on. Now when I say love I'm talking about relationship wise. Not family, friends or even pets. It's hard to believe in love in a romantic way when ppl stomp on it. I hope I find it someday, I understand relationships aren't what's important but it would be really nice. I even had a dude come hit on me today when he had a GIRLFRIEND. Which again like I said cheating, lying and everything else. I'm super glad I checked his account because I can't imagine her being with a guy like that. Maybe my person is in another universe, dimension or something because I don't know. I even told this guy I already had a crush on someone and he, got mad at me ? Like hello I'm sorry I can't control who I love/like. But half of the time it's not love for these idiots it's lust. Stop confusing lust with love. I am not a big fan of that romance stuff anymore I don't think it exists.
.
People are also biased, judgemental, and mean. On the internet, you don’t have to see the people you are talking to. Many people are more likely to be confrontational when they don’t have to deal with a physical person. Personally, I don't care for judging endless theres a good enough reason to.I think people like to feel important and superior. So that's why they judge I understand it can be other things such as insecurities, jealousy, certain beliefs and religion. But I was told judging a sin so I don't know why they do it.
10.22.24
I really udedy hate how I don't follow these people's beauty standards, I was always the last option and the outcast and the left behind person. Always given the bad jobs. People yell at me if I made a mistake but yet when this girl who was the most prettiest girl in class did, she was told "hey it's okay" "people make mistakes". They are not nice to me nor kind. They made me feel worse and they made me feel less important and they made me feel, that I don't matter to any kind and that I am not worth it. Everything I do is for them considered weird and awkward and they have always made fun of me and bullied me. Most of all they belittle me. All of this I experienced it all. I really hope someone can understand this. I never really even had a boyfriend in real life. I hate it. Y'all ruined my self esteem from day one. I have no idea why I never did anything to anyone, but you bullied and made fun of me ? I don't know how many pictures I will put on here but you know I do want people to know who the owner is. I don't think it's necessary. But I don't let these things bother me anymore, there's no point
11.7.24
The last version of me that they knew, or still know me as. That's something I can't change. Sometimes I wish it was something I could change. But other times I hope they remember me that way, Although I wouldn't want to spoil the memories we had together with the person that I am today even if I got off on the wrong side. They wouldn't have been as fond by me they remember me by
11.8.24
Ironically it's 5:55 am when I'm typing this. But anyways lately I've had these strangerapid, unplanned actions or more so actually on impulsives, I think I've been quiet, certainly any outbursts were only occasional.
11.8.24
If love is such a good thing why does it hurt so bad? I just wanna feel my hand in someone's, the heat of our own breath between us, and how you'd feel with your lips on mine. I just want someone to love. I hope I find that someday. I really thought I did but maybe he's still out there I just have to wait for him to come. Maybe I'm just blind and he's right in front of me I just don't see it. It doesn't exist though.
11.12.24
This is like a rollercoaster of emotions constantly, all within 24 hours. Feeling empty, and a strong urge to fill the void inside. Anxiety, guilt, second guessing over and over about literally everything, shame, loneliness. Anger, lots of anger over small things, or maybe just everything very often, with anger, frustration that's usually completely out of context but at times they it's not like that for me. Being set off easily, and quickly. A sense of dread and uneasiness about my future. Extremely hard not living in the past, I wish people would understand that . Admiration and hate, switching constantly, for the same person or maybe someone you may like . Feeling land masking. And lastly Unresolved trauma. I’m scared of the world, and in fear that nobody around me loves me for who I am and I am a burden. Yet I feel like everyone could like me. But I feel like I annoy everyone and I should just go away and leave them alone. Switching to "I'm gonna spam text them all day" then "I'm gonna not speak to this person all day" then people not believing anything is wrong. Meaning in reality, your head is a war zone or a jungle. The list goes on. I don't wanna type it all out on juat this one writings.
11.13.24
After a lifetime of being that way I hope my next one won't be that way, I will not make the same mistakes I made at all. I just hope I can find someone to love me for me. I'm sick of being told "he never loved you", "who could ever love you". "I could never love you". It really hurts. Like deeply hurts. Feeling like you will never be loved the way you love others. Is such a kick to the stomach.
11.15.24
I really hate that the smallest thing can happen and suddenly I feel like the room is collapsing and my chest is going to explode. I hate having to choose whether I should let it continue to grow and destroy me inside or if I'm going to open the flood gates and probably hurt the ones I love in the process which I would really hate to do so. I hate myself when it is all over again, shame and regret sits on my chest like a ton of rocks. Really really heavy rocks. I want to take it all back but I can't and all I want to do is to cry. It's not like I can ignore it, the emotional and sometimes physical mess is there to be cleaned up and it feels too big to face at the end of it. But my mistakes are made and those can't be taken back no matter what I do. Emotions so strong my mind can't comprehend nor even react to it switching so fast from happy to sad to emotional to happy. Like yes you may think "oh that's normal" but you're not understanding what I'm saying if you do think that. do the same to you. I'm sorry.
12.14.24
Being called awkward or werid by others, getting almost sick just being in public places or dreading being in a public area, hate walking in a public area especially since everyone is starting at you. This feeling of nervousness can cause your mind to go blank, making it difficult to think of things to say which makes it harder to talk to people in real life. Whenever you hear people laughing you automatically think they're making fun of you.
Also I can't keep eye contact for anything, it makes me feel uncomfortable or one again sick. Which leads up to never being able to talk in a room full of people due to them looking right at you, and the sick feeling. Or sometimes, I will stare directly at someone I don't know why I do it I'm scared too, so I'm going to walk up and slap me one day but I'm still going to do it.
12.16.24
Sometimes, the weight of loneliness can feel suffocating, wrapping around me like a thick fog that won't lift. I find myself in crowded rooms, surrounded by laughter and chatter, yet I remain untouched, a silent observer in a world that seems to move on without me. The silence echoes in my mind, reminding me of the connections I long for but can't seem to grasp. I yearn for a familiar voice or a hand to hold, yet there’s an invisible barrier between me and the warmth of companionship. It's in these moments that I realize how isolating it can be to feel like I’m on the outside looking in, longing for a bridge to span the distance to those who might truly understand. I keep falling in love with people I shouldn't. I can't stand this loneliness, my friends rarely talk to me. I think my crush hates me or I don't think he would ever wanna be with me. I'm not sure why anyone would. I hate this. I just want one person I can talk to all the time, someone who would understand. I keep surrounding myself with people I know are bad for me, but I don't understand why I feel the need to keep them around. I have a hard time trusting people and I'm paranoid about so many things, I wish someone out there would listen BUT I HATE HATE HATE LOVE RIGHT NOW.
12.16.24
We all deserve a happy ending fr
12.16.24
I meant everything I’ve ever said about you, and everything I’ve never said out loud.. and all the good things I think about you and all the bad things I think about You. And I was serious about. I'm not sure if you want to be in a relationship with me or anything, we just met a month or so. I'll give it time. Sometimes I I really wanna talk to you. most of the time I end up not doing so, and i know why but it’s confusing . I know if you wanted to reach out to me , you would’ve lol i try not to bother anyone anymore especially you but sometimes i want to tell you things. and it’s not always romantic or anything , i just want to talk to somebody I don’t wanna be a burden though and I really do like you. Especially with what happened with you know who that one night, I doubt you believe me but I can't force you. But I'll give it time. I can't keep hurting myself over people anymore. I've been afraid of being honest, telling you about all these feelings, you've left me drowning in. But I really don't wanna come off as strange or ruin things. Loving someone requires sacrifices, work and I would be more than willing to make them for you, but what does that make me? Would you do the same for me? You were in my dreams last night.Never seen your face but somehow, I know its you, the whole dream felt funny but I suppose dreams are like that at times. Most dreams with you it in they seem to have that theme. I know time is running out. I know you can't hold onto this forever. Maybe I could though I don't typically get crushes but when I do it's not really good I guess a lot of people are that way. To top off this long letter I wrote for you, I don't know you nearly enough for this, yet here I am contemplating. I do know you enough to know I really like you and it upsets me when you don't talk to be the whole day. I feel like I'm way too old for all this nonsense.
12.17.24
I’m so in love with you. It is sickening. I can’t get you off my mind, I can’t seem to find ways to get over you. I just want you. I want you so much. I see you everywhere. Every spot, every street I go to. I think of you with me. I can't live without you, I am nothing without you. I breathed for you, tore myself apart and put myself back tougher for you
12.17.24
you 12.17.24
I've realistically always been a quiet person,never been a fan of talking to people I don't know - or socializing. I've never had irl really. I don't hangout with people my own age. I only go out on walks by myself which I love. I can listen to my music really loudly, I can think to myself, on top of that I'm burning calories while doing so. I also never really had an actual relationship with a guy besides online. So that means I'm still a virgin at 20 but I don't mind as much. But I really do love my online friends a lot. Which now that I'm 20 it feels weird to say. I hate getting older, but I guess it's a part of life? But I don't really mind not being a teenager anymore, those years were quite lonely and the worse. People were mean to me I used to get bullied ever since middle school. Of course, when I go out in public I have girls pointing at me and laughing but they aren't worth my time. But when I was in school it was different. They would make fun of my eyes and say "they are huge and look like they're gonna fall out of my head". They would make fun of my looks, I even had some guys who'd put hands on me but I won't get into that, they'd make fun of my style, hair, glasses just everything at this point. I never understood why I'm assuming it comes from their own insecurities and then waiting to feel superior which is dumb why bully someone to make yourself feel better about yourself. Whatever I suppose hopefully they'll grow out of it, I still see them in public and I can hear them laughing. Can't wait to move to the city.
12.21.24
Ngl my hair color is probably my favorite thing about myself and I get upset when people say "you should dye it blonde" when nooo I love my brown hair and I don't think it suits me. Tbh I think it brings out my features more? I also love my cheekbones because they are pretty prominent but nothing crazy.
12.28.24
Ever since I was little people including friends keep saying that I'm weird and annoying. This is something I've been hearing for years now but recently it makes me feel upset I suppose. These days, I try to behave different than my usual self when I'm around my friends or people in general. It feels as if I'm not being real. I even avoid texting my friends on my own just for the sake of not making them uncomfortable or annoying by the way I act. I feel like I'm annoying just by texting someone. I feel like no one wants to talk to me. Or no one enjoys talking to me. I also have constantly been left out of things, such as group chats my friends make or left out of stuff by people in real life. Just like when I went to school, people left me out in gym class often. I really don't know what is weird about me and over time I've closed myself off to making friends and the idea of talking with new people is painful. I thought it was my style (I don't know how to explain it but I often wear baggy pants and band shirts), music taste or my interest in genral, since they have made fun of me for it. But I'm not sure. My friends were also calling me a femcel behind my back?? I'm not sure what's up with that but they were also calling me weird, ugly and annoying. As far as I know I'm not ugly, I wouldn’t say I’m super or the most attractive but I would say I’m average. I go to the gym nearly every day, In good shape, I like to think of my self as a nice and thoughtful girl, so I’m not sure what I do to be treated like this. I've been bullied by multiple people most of my life and I never understood why.
1.1.25.
How could you possibly hurt someone this bad ? Love does not exist because it is an idealistic concept. Love at first sight is just lust. Not love. I'm sick of falling in love just to get hurt. Half of you cant trust fully even your partner. You dont truly know whats in their head. And also love is a chemical that tricks your brain into believing it's something special. I wish someone could prove me wrong each time I fell in love I was devastated. Twice. Especially being around these days, there’s no such thing as love. Too much lying cheating and deceiving. If you happen to have found your idea of “love” hold onto it at all costs! but basically for me, I haven't been able to find it. It's actually tearing me apart. It's at a point I don't like couples. Seeing couples in real life and online, none of the people are perfect cause no one is , but I really don’t feel inferior to them, but they’re them and I’m me, and I feel like I’m not capable of having someone love me that way, it doesn’t feel real. My mind won’t let me even consider the idea that someone could have feelings toward me. Right now I still have a really big crush on the same guy but for me crushes are absolutely devastating. My heart always seems to get stomped on. Now when I say love I'm talking about relationship wise. Not family, friends or even pets. It's hard to believe in love in a romantic way when ppl stomp on it. I hope I find it someday, I understand relationships aren't what's important but it would be really nice. I even had a dude come hit on me today when he had a GIRLFRIEND. Which again like I said cheating, lying and everything else. I'm super glad I checked his account because I can't imagine her being with a guy like that. Maybe my person is in another universe, dimension or something because I don't know. I even told this guy I already had a crush on someone and he, got mad at me ? Like hello I'm sorry I can't control who I love/like. But half of the time it's not love for these idiots it's lust. Stop confusing lust with love. I am not a big fan of that romance stuff anymore I don't think it exists.
.
The last version of me that they knew, or still know me as. That's something I can't change. Sometimes I wish it was something I could change. But other times I hope they remember me that way, Although I wouldn't want to spoil the memories we had together with the person that I am today even if I got off on the wrong side. They wouldn't have been as fond by me they remember me by
11.8.24
Ironically it's 5:55 am when I'm typing this. But anyways lately I've had these strangerapid, unplanned actions or more so actually on impulsives, I think I've been quiet, certainly any outbursts were only occasional.
If love is such a good thing why does it hurt so bad? I just wanna feel my hand in someone's, the heat of our own breath between us, and how you'd feel with your lips on mine. I just want someone to love. I hope I find that someday. I really thought I did but maybe he's still out there I just have to wait for him to come. Maybe I'm just blind and he's right in front of me I just don't see it. It doesn't exist though.
11.12.24
This is like a rollercoaster of emotions constantly, all within 24 hours. Feeling empty, and a strong urge to fill the void inside. Anxiety, guilt, second guessing over and over about literally everything, shame, loneliness. Anger, lots of anger over small things, or maybe just everything very often, with anger, frustration that's usually completely out of context but at times they it's not like that for me. Being set off easily, and quickly. A sense of dread and uneasiness about my future. Extremely hard not living in the past, I wish people would understand that . Admiration and hate, switching constantly, for the same person or maybe someone you may like . Feeling land masking. And lastly Unresolved trauma. I’m scared of the world, and in fear that nobody around me loves me for who I am and I am a burden. Yet I feel like everyone could like me. But I feel like I annoy everyone and I should just go away and leave them alone. Switching to "I'm gonna spam text them all day" then "I'm gonna not speak to this person all day" then people not believing anything is wrong. Meaning in reality, your head is a war zone or a jungle. The list goes on. I don't wanna type it all out on juat this one writings.
11.13.24
After a lifetime of being that way I hope my next one won't be that way, I will not make the same mistakes I made at all. I just hope I can find someone to love me for me. I'm sick of being told "he never loved you", "who could ever love you". "I could never love you". It really hurts. Like deeply hurts. Feeling like you will never be loved the way you love others. Is such a kick to the stomach.
11.15.24
I really hate that the smallest thing can happen and suddenly I feel like the room is collapsing and my chest is going to explode. I hate having to choose whether I should let it continue to grow and destroy me inside or if I'm going to open the flood gates and probably hurt the ones I love in the process which I would really hate to do so. I hate myself when it is all over again, shame and regret sits on my chest like a ton of rocks. Really really heavy rocks. I want to take it all back but I can't and all I want to do is to cry. It's not like I can ignore it, the emotional and sometimes physical mess is there to be cleaned up and it feels too big to face at the end of it. But my mistakes are made and those can't be taken back no matter what I do. Emotions so strong my mind can't comprehend nor even react to it switching so fast from happy to sad to emotional to happy. Like yes you may think "oh that's normal" but you're not understanding what I'm saying if you do think that. do the same to you. I'm sorry.
12.14.24
Being called awkward or werid by others, getting almost sick just being in public places or dreading being in a public area, hate walking in a public area especially since everyone is starting at you. This feeling of nervousness can cause your mind to go blank, making it difficult to think of things to say which makes it harder to talk to people in real life. Whenever you hear people laughing you automatically think they're making fun of you.
Also I can't keep eye contact for anything, it makes me feel uncomfortable or one again sick. Which leads up to never being able to talk in a room full of people due to them looking right at you, and the sick feeling. Or sometimes, I will stare directly at someone I don't know why I do it I'm scared too, so I'm going to walk up and slap me one day but I'm still going to do it.
12.16.24
Sometimes, the weight of loneliness can feel suffocating, wrapping around me like a thick fog that won't lift. I find myself in crowded rooms, surrounded by laughter and chatter, yet I remain untouched, a silent observer in a world that seems to move on without me. The silence echoes in my mind, reminding me of the connections I long for but can't seem to grasp. I yearn for a familiar voice or a hand to hold, yet there’s an invisible barrier between me and the warmth of companionship. It's in these moments that I realize how isolating it can be to feel like I’m on the outside looking in, longing for a bridge to span the distance to those who might truly understand. I keep falling in love with people I shouldn't. I can't stand this loneliness, my friends rarely talk to me. I think my crush hates me or I don't think he would ever wanna be with me. I'm not sure why anyone would. I hate this. I just want one person I can talk to all the time, someone who would understand. I keep surrounding myself with people I know are bad for me, but I don't understand why I feel the need to keep them around. I have a hard time trusting people and I'm paranoid about so many things, I wish someone out there would listen BUT I HATE HATE HATE LOVE RIGHT NOW.
12.16.24
We all deserve a happy ending fr
12.16.24
I meant everything I’ve ever said about you, and everything I’ve never said out loud.. and all the good things I think about you and all the bad things I think about You. And I was serious about. I'm not sure if you want to be in a relationship with me or anything, we just met a month or so. I'll give it time. Sometimes I I really wanna talk to you. most of the time I end up not doing so, and i know why but it’s confusing . I know if you wanted to reach out to me , you would’ve lol i try not to bother anyone anymore especially you but sometimes i want to tell you things. and it’s not always romantic or anything , i just want to talk to somebody I don’t wanna be a burden though and I really do like you. Especially with what happened with you know who that one night, I doubt you believe me but I can't force you. But I'll give it time. I can't keep hurting myself over people anymore. I've been afraid of being honest, telling you about all these feelings, you've left me drowning in. But I really don't wanna come off as strange or ruin things. Loving someone requires sacrifices, work and I would be more than willing to make them for you, but what does that make me? Would you do the same for me? You were in my dreams last night.Never seen your face but somehow, I know its you, the whole dream felt funny but I suppose dreams are like that at times. Most dreams with you it in they seem to have that theme. I know time is running out. I know you can't hold onto this forever. Maybe I could though I don't typically get crushes but when I do it's not really good I guess a lot of people are that way. To top off this long letter I wrote for you, I don't know you nearly enough for this, yet here I am contemplating. I do know you enough to know I really like you and it upsets me when you don't talk to be the whole day. I feel like I'm way too old for all this nonsense.
12.17.24
I’m so in love with you. It is sickening. I can’t get you off my mind, I can’t seem to find ways to get over you. I just want you. I want you so much. I see you everywhere. Every spot, every street I go to. I think of you with me. I can't live without you, I am nothing without you. I breathed for you, tore myself apart and put myself back tougher for you
12.17.24
you 12.17.24
I've realistically always been a quiet person,never been a fan of talking to people I don't know - or socializing. I've never had irl really. I don't hangout with people my own age. I only go out on walks by myself which I love. I can listen to my music really loudly, I can think to myself, on top of that I'm burning calories while doing so. I also never really had an actual relationship with a guy besides online. So that means I'm still a virgin at 20 but I don't mind as much. But I really do love my online friends a lot. Which now that I'm 20 it feels weird to say. I hate getting older, but I guess it's a part of life? But I don't really mind not being a teenager anymore, those years were quite lonely and the worse. People were mean to me I used to get bullied ever since middle school. Of course, when I go out in public I have girls pointing at me and laughing but they aren't worth my time. But when I was in school it was different. They would make fun of my eyes and say "they are huge and look like they're gonna fall out of my head". They would make fun of my looks, I even had some guys who'd put hands on me but I won't get into that, they'd make fun of my style, hair, glasses just everything at this point. I never understood why I'm assuming it comes from their own insecurities and then waiting to feel superior which is dumb why bully someone to make yourself feel better about yourself. Whatever I suppose hopefully they'll grow out of it, I still see them in public and I can hear them laughing. Can't wait to move to the city.
12.21.24
Ngl my hair color is probably my favorite thing about myself and I get upset when people say "you should dye it blonde" when nooo I love my brown hair and I don't think it suits me. Tbh I think it brings out my features more? I also love my cheekbones because they are pretty prominent but nothing crazy.
12.28.24
Ever since I was little people including friends keep saying that I'm weird and annoying. This is something I've been hearing for years now but recently it makes me feel upset I suppose. These days, I try to behave different than my usual self when I'm around my friends or people in general. It feels as if I'm not being real. I even avoid texting my friends on my own just for the sake of not making them uncomfortable or annoying by the way I act. I feel like I'm annoying just by texting someone. I feel like no one wants to talk to me. Or no one enjoys talking to me. I also have constantly been left out of things, such as group chats my friends make or left out of stuff by people in real life. Just like when I went to school, people left me out in gym class often. I really don't know what is weird about me and over time I've closed myself off to making friends and the idea of talking with new people is painful. I thought it was my style (I don't know how to explain it but I often wear baggy pants and band shirts), music taste or my interest in genral, since they have made fun of me for it. But I'm not sure. My friends were also calling me a femcel behind my back?? I'm not sure what's up with that but they were also calling me weird, ugly and annoying. As far as I know I'm not ugly, I wouldn’t say I’m super or the most attractive but I would say I’m average. I go to the gym nearly every day, In good shape, I like to think of my self as a nice and thoughtful girl, so I’m not sure what I do to be treated like this. I've been bullied by multiple people most of my life and I never understood why.
1.1.25.
How could you possibly hurt someone this bad ? Love does not exist because it is an idealistic concept. Love at first sight is just lust. Not love. I'm sick of falling in love just to get hurt. Half of you cant trust fully even your partner. You dont truly know whats in their head. And also love is a chemical that tricks your brain into believing it's something special. I wish someone could prove me wrong each time I fell in love I was devastated. Twice. Especially being around these days, there’s no such thing as love. Too much lying cheating and deceiving. If you happen to have found your idea of “love” hold onto it at all costs! but basically for me, I haven't been able to find it. It's actually tearing me apart. It's at a point I don't like couples. Seeing couples in real life and online, none of the people are perfect cause no one is , but I really don’t feel inferior to them, but they’re them and I’m me, and I feel like I’m not capable of having someone love me that way, it doesn’t feel real. My mind won’t let me even consider the idea that someone could have feelings toward me. Right now I still have a really big crush on the same guy but for me crushes are absolutely devastating. My heart always seems to get stomped on. Now when I say love I'm talking about relationship wise. Not family, friends or even pets. It's hard to believe in love in a romantic way when ppl stomp on it. I hope I find it someday, I understand relationships aren't what's important but it would be really nice. I even had a dude come hit on me today when he had a GIRLFRIEND. Which again like I said cheating, lying and everything else. I'm super glad I checked his account because I can't imagine her being with a guy like that. Maybe my person is in another universe, dimension or something because I don't know. I even told this guy I already had a crush on someone and he, got mad at me ? Like hello I'm sorry I can't control who I love/like. But half of the time it's not love for these idiots it's lust. Stop confusing lust with love. I am not a big fan of that romance stuff anymore I don't think it exists.
.
If love is such a good thing why does it hurt so bad? I just wanna feel my hand in someone's, the heat of our own breath between us, and how you'd feel with your lips on mine. I just want someone to love. I hope I find that someday. I really thought I did but maybe he's still out there I just have to wait for him to come. Maybe I'm just blind and he's right in front of me I just don't see it. It doesn't exist though.
11.12.24
This is like a rollercoaster of emotions constantly, all within 24 hours. Feeling empty, and a strong urge to fill the void inside. Anxiety, guilt, second guessing over and over about literally everything, shame, loneliness. Anger, lots of anger over small things, or maybe just everything very often, with anger, frustration that's usually completely out of context but at times they it's not like that for me. Being set off easily, and quickly. A sense of dread and uneasiness about my future. Extremely hard not living in the past, I wish people would understand that . Admiration and hate, switching constantly, for the same person or maybe someone you may like . Feeling land masking. And lastly Unresolved trauma. I’m scared of the world, and in fear that nobody around me loves me for who I am and I am a burden. Yet I feel like everyone could like me. But I feel like I annoy everyone and I should just go away and leave them alone. Switching to "I'm gonna spam text them all day" then "I'm gonna not speak to this person all day" then people not believing anything is wrong. Meaning in reality, your head is a war zone or a jungle. The list goes on. I don't wanna type it all out on juat this one writings.
After a lifetime of being that way I hope my next one won't be that way, I will not make the same mistakes I made at all. I just hope I can find someone to love me for me. I'm sick of being told "he never loved you", "who could ever love you". "I could never love you". It really hurts. Like deeply hurts. Feeling like you will never be loved the way you love others. Is such a kick to the stomach.
11.15.24
I really hate that the smallest thing can happen and suddenly I feel like the room is collapsing and my chest is going to explode. I hate having to choose whether I should let it continue to grow and destroy me inside or if I'm going to open the flood gates and probably hurt the ones I love in the process which I would really hate to do so. I hate myself when it is all over again, shame and regret sits on my chest like a ton of rocks. Really really heavy rocks. I want to take it all back but I can't and all I want to do is to cry. It's not like I can ignore it, the emotional and sometimes physical mess is there to be cleaned up and it feels too big to face at the end of it. But my mistakes are made and those can't be taken back no matter what I do. Emotions so strong my mind can't comprehend nor even react to it switching so fast from happy to sad to emotional to happy. Like yes you may think "oh that's normal" but you're not understanding what I'm saying if you do think that. do the same to you. I'm sorry.
12.14.24
Being called awkward or werid by others, getting almost sick just being in public places or dreading being in a public area, hate walking in a public area especially since everyone is starting at you. This feeling of nervousness can cause your mind to go blank, making it difficult to think of things to say which makes it harder to talk to people in real life. Whenever you hear people laughing you automatically think they're making fun of you.
Also I can't keep eye contact for anything, it makes me feel uncomfortable or one again sick. Which leads up to never being able to talk in a room full of people due to them looking right at you, and the sick feeling. Or sometimes, I will stare directly at someone I don't know why I do it I'm scared too, so I'm going to walk up and slap me one day but I'm still going to do it.
After a lifetime of being that way I hope my next one won't be that way, I will not make the same mistakes I made at all. I just hope I can find someone to love me for me. I'm sick of being told "he never loved you", "who could ever love you". "I could never love you". It really hurts. Like deeply hurts. Feeling like you will never be loved the way you love others. Is such a kick to the stomach.
11.15.24
I really hate that the smallest thing can happen and suddenly I feel like the room is collapsing and my chest is going to explode. I hate having to choose whether I should let it continue to grow and destroy me inside or if I'm going to open the flood gates and probably hurt the ones I love in the process which I would really hate to do so. I hate myself when it is all over again, shame and regret sits on my chest like a ton of rocks. Really really heavy rocks. I want to take it all back but I can't and all I want to do is to cry. It's not like I can ignore it, the emotional and sometimes physical mess is there to be cleaned up and it feels too big to face at the end of it. But my mistakes are made and those can't be taken back no matter what I do. Emotions so strong my mind can't comprehend nor even react to it switching so fast from happy to sad to emotional to happy. Like yes you may think "oh that's normal" but you're not understanding what I'm saying if you do think that. do the same to you. I'm sorry.
12.14.24
Being called awkward or werid by others, getting almost sick just being in public places or dreading being in a public area, hate walking in a public area especially since everyone is starting at you. This feeling of nervousness can cause your mind to go blank, making it difficult to think of things to say which makes it harder to talk to people in real life. Whenever you hear people laughing you automatically think they're making fun of you.
Also I can't keep eye contact for anything, it makes me feel uncomfortable or one again sick. Which leads up to never being able to talk in a room full of people due to them looking right at you, and the sick feeling. Or sometimes, I will stare directly at someone I don't know why I do it I'm scared too, so I'm going to walk up and slap me one day but I'm still going to do it.
Being called awkward or werid by others, getting almost sick just being in public places or dreading being in a public area, hate walking in a public area especially since everyone is starting at you. This feeling of nervousness can cause your mind to go blank, making it difficult to think of things to say which makes it harder to talk to people in real life. Whenever you hear people laughing you automatically think they're making fun of you.
Also I can't keep eye contact for anything, it makes me feel uncomfortable or one again sick. Which leads up to never being able to talk in a room full of people due to them looking right at you, and the sick feeling. Or sometimes, I will stare directly at someone I don't know why I do it I'm scared too, so I'm going to walk up and slap me one day but I'm still going to do it.
Sometimes, the weight of loneliness can feel suffocating, wrapping around me like a thick fog that won't lift. I find myself in crowded rooms, surrounded by laughter and chatter, yet I remain untouched, a silent observer in a world that seems to move on without me. The silence echoes in my mind, reminding me of the connections I long for but can't seem to grasp. I yearn for a familiar voice or a hand to hold, yet there’s an invisible barrier between me and the warmth of companionship. It's in these moments that I realize how isolating it can be to feel like I’m on the outside looking in, longing for a bridge to span the distance to those who might truly understand. I keep falling in love with people I shouldn't. I can't stand this loneliness, my friends rarely talk to me. I think my crush hates me or I don't think he would ever wanna be with me. I'm not sure why anyone would. I hate this. I just want one person I can talk to all the time, someone who would understand. I keep surrounding myself with people I know are bad for me, but I don't understand why I feel the need to keep them around. I have a hard time trusting people and I'm paranoid about so many things, I wish someone out there would listen BUT I HATE HATE HATE LOVE RIGHT NOW.
Sometimes, the weight of loneliness can feel suffocating, wrapping around me like a thick fog that won't lift. I find myself in crowded rooms, surrounded by laughter and chatter, yet I remain untouched, a silent observer in a world that seems to move on without me. The silence echoes in my mind, reminding me of the connections I long for but can't seem to grasp. I yearn for a familiar voice or a hand to hold, yet there’s an invisible barrier between me and the warmth of companionship. It's in these moments that I realize how isolating it can be to feel like I’m on the outside looking in, longing for a bridge to span the distance to those who might truly understand. I keep falling in love with people I shouldn't. I can't stand this loneliness, my friends rarely talk to me. I think my crush hates me or I don't think he would ever wanna be with me. I'm not sure why anyone would. I hate this. I just want one person I can talk to all the time, someone who would understand. I keep surrounding myself with people I know are bad for me, but I don't understand why I feel the need to keep them around. I have a hard time trusting people and I'm paranoid about so many things, I wish someone out there would listen BUT I HATE HATE HATE LOVE RIGHT NOW.
We all deserve a happy ending fr
We all deserve a happy ending fr
I meant everything I’ve ever said about you, and everything I’ve never said out loud.. and all the good things I think about you and all the bad things I think about You. And I was serious about. I'm not sure if you want to be in a relationship with me or anything, we just met a month or so. I'll give it time. Sometimes I I really wanna talk to you. most of the time I end up not doing so, and i know why but it’s confusing . I know if you wanted to reach out to me , you would’ve lol i try not to bother anyone anymore especially you but sometimes i want to tell you things. and it’s not always romantic or anything , i just want to talk to somebody I don’t wanna be a burden though and I really do like you. Especially with what happened with you know who that one night, I doubt you believe me but I can't force you. But I'll give it time. I can't keep hurting myself over people anymore. I've been afraid of being honest, telling you about all these feelings, you've left me drowning in. But I really don't wanna come off as strange or ruin things. Loving someone requires sacrifices, work and I would be more than willing to make them for you, but what does that make me? Would you do the same for me? You were in my dreams last night.Never seen your face but somehow, I know its you, the whole dream felt funny but I suppose dreams are like that at times. Most dreams with you it in they seem to have that theme. I know time is running out. I know you can't hold onto this forever. Maybe I could though I don't typically get crushes but when I do it's not really good I guess a lot of people are that way. To top off this long letter I wrote for you, I don't know you nearly enough for this, yet here I am contemplating. I do know you enough to know I really like you and it upsets me when you don't talk to be the whole day. I feel like I'm way too old for all this nonsense.
12.17.24
I’m so in love with you. It is sickening. I can’t get you off my mind, I can’t seem to find ways to get over you. I just want you. I want you so much. I see you everywhere. Every spot, every street I go to. I think of you with me. I can't live without you, I am nothing without you. I breathed for you, tore myself apart and put myself back tougher for you
12.17.24
you 12.17.24
I've realistically always been a quiet person,never been a fan of talking to people I don't know - or socializing. I've never had irl really. I don't hangout with people my own age. I only go out on walks by myself which I love. I can listen to my music really loudly, I can think to myself, on top of that I'm burning calories while doing so. I also never really had an actual relationship with a guy besides online. So that means I'm still a virgin at 20 but I don't mind as much. But I really do love my online friends a lot. Which now that I'm 20 it feels weird to say. I hate getting older, but I guess it's a part of life? But I don't really mind not being a teenager anymore, those years were quite lonely and the worse. People were mean to me I used to get bullied ever since middle school. Of course, when I go out in public I have girls pointing at me and laughing but they aren't worth my time. But when I was in school it was different. They would make fun of my eyes and say "they are huge and look like they're gonna fall out of my head". They would make fun of my looks, I even had some guys who'd put hands on me but I won't get into that, they'd make fun of my style, hair, glasses just everything at this point. I never understood why I'm assuming it comes from their own insecurities and then waiting to feel superior which is dumb why bully someone to make yourself feel better about yourself. Whatever I suppose hopefully they'll grow out of it, I still see them in public and I can hear them laughing. Can't wait to move to the city.
12.21.24
Ngl my hair color is probably my favorite thing about myself and I get upset when people say "you should dye it blonde" when nooo I love my brown hair and I don't think it suits me. Tbh I think it brings out my features more? I also love my cheekbones because they are pretty prominent but nothing crazy.
12.28.24
Ever since I was little people including friends keep saying that I'm weird and annoying. This is something I've been hearing for years now but recently it makes me feel upset I suppose. These days, I try to behave different than my usual self when I'm around my friends or people in general. It feels as if I'm not being real. I even avoid texting my friends on my own just for the sake of not making them uncomfortable or annoying by the way I act. I feel like I'm annoying just by texting someone. I feel like no one wants to talk to me. Or no one enjoys talking to me. I also have constantly been left out of things, such as group chats my friends make or left out of stuff by people in real life. Just like when I went to school, people left me out in gym class often. I really don't know what is weird about me and over time I've closed myself off to making friends and the idea of talking with new people is painful. I thought it was my style (I don't know how to explain it but I often wear baggy pants and band shirts), music taste or my interest in genral, since they have made fun of me for it. But I'm not sure. My friends were also calling me a femcel behind my back?? I'm not sure what's up with that but they were also calling me weird, ugly and annoying. As far as I know I'm not ugly, I wouldn’t say I’m super or the most attractive but I would say I’m average. I go to the gym nearly every day, In good shape, I like to think of my self as a nice and thoughtful girl, so I’m not sure what I do to be treated like this. I've been bullied by multiple people most of my life and I never understood why.
1.1.25.
How could you possibly hurt someone this bad ? Love does not exist because it is an idealistic concept. Love at first sight is just lust. Not love. I'm sick of falling in love just to get hurt. Half of you cant trust fully even your partner. You dont truly know whats in their head. And also love is a chemical that tricks your brain into believing it's something special. I wish someone could prove me wrong each time I fell in love I was devastated. Twice. Especially being around these days, there’s no such thing as love. Too much lying cheating and deceiving. If you happen to have found your idea of “love” hold onto it at all costs! but basically for me, I haven't been able to find it. It's actually tearing me apart. It's at a point I don't like couples. Seeing couples in real life and online, none of the people are perfect cause no one is , but I really don’t feel inferior to them, but they’re them and I’m me, and I feel like I’m not capable of having someone love me that way, it doesn’t feel real. My mind won’t let me even consider the idea that someone could have feelings toward me. Right now I still have a really big crush on the same guy but for me crushes are absolutely devastating. My heart always seems to get stomped on. Now when I say love I'm talking about relationship wise. Not family, friends or even pets. It's hard to believe in love in a romantic way when ppl stomp on it. I hope I find it someday, I understand relationships aren't what's important but it would be really nice. I even had a dude come hit on me today when he had a GIRLFRIEND. Which again like I said cheating, lying and everything else. I'm super glad I checked his account because I can't imagine her being with a guy like that. Maybe my person is in another universe, dimension or something because I don't know. I even told this guy I already had a crush on someone and he, got mad at me ? Like hello I'm sorry I can't control who I love/like. But half of the time it's not love for these idiots it's lust. Stop confusing lust with love. I am not a big fan of that romance stuff anymore I don't think it exists.
.
I meant everything I’ve ever said about you, and everything I’ve never said out loud.. and all the good things I think about you and all the bad things I think about You. And I was serious about. I'm not sure if you want to be in a relationship with me or anything, we just met a month or so. I'll give it time. Sometimes I I really wanna talk to you. most of the time I end up not doing so, and i know why but it’s confusing . I know if you wanted to reach out to me , you would’ve lol i try not to bother anyone anymore especially you but sometimes i want to tell you things. and it’s not always romantic or anything , i just want to talk to somebody I don’t wanna be a burden though and I really do like you. Especially with what happened with you know who that one night, I doubt you believe me but I can't force you. But I'll give it time. I can't keep hurting myself over people anymore. I've been afraid of being honest, telling you about all these feelings, you've left me drowning in. But I really don't wanna come off as strange or ruin things. Loving someone requires sacrifices, work and I would be more than willing to make them for you, but what does that make me? Would you do the same for me? You were in my dreams last night.Never seen your face but somehow, I know its you, the whole dream felt funny but I suppose dreams are like that at times. Most dreams with you it in they seem to have that theme. I know time is running out. I know you can't hold onto this forever. Maybe I could though I don't typically get crushes but when I do it's not really good I guess a lot of people are that way. To top off this long letter I wrote for you, I don't know you nearly enough for this, yet here I am contemplating. I do know you enough to know I really like you and it upsets me when you don't talk to be the whole day. I feel like I'm way too old for all this nonsense.
12.17.24
I’m so in love with you. It is sickening. I can’t get you off my mind, I can’t seem to find ways to get over you. I just want you. I want you so much. I see you everywhere. Every spot, every street I go to. I think of you with me. I can't live without you, I am nothing without you. I breathed for you, tore myself apart and put myself back tougher for you
I've realistically always been a quiet person,never been a fan of talking to people I don't know - or socializing. I've never had irl really. I don't hangout with people my own age. I only go out on walks by myself which I love. I can listen to my music really loudly, I can think to myself, on top of that I'm burning calories while doing so. I also never really had an actual relationship with a guy besides online. So that means I'm still a virgin at 20 but I don't mind as much. But I really do love my online friends a lot. Which now that I'm 20 it feels weird to say. I hate getting older, but I guess it's a part of life? But I don't really mind not being a teenager anymore, those years were quite lonely and the worse. People were mean to me I used to get bullied ever since middle school. Of course, when I go out in public I have girls pointing at me and laughing but they aren't worth my time. But when I was in school it was different. They would make fun of my eyes and say "they are huge and look like they're gonna fall out of my head". They would make fun of my looks, I even had some guys who'd put hands on me but I won't get into that, they'd make fun of my style, hair, glasses just everything at this point. I never understood why I'm assuming it comes from their own insecurities and then waiting to feel superior which is dumb why bully someone to make yourself feel better about yourself. Whatever I suppose hopefully they'll grow out of it, I still see them in public and I can hear them laughing. Can't wait to move to the city.
12.21.24
Ngl my hair color is probably my favorite thing about myself and I get upset when people say "you should dye it blonde" when nooo I love my brown hair and I don't think it suits me. Tbh I think it brings out my features more? I also love my cheekbones because they are pretty prominent but nothing crazy.
12.28.24
Ever since I was little people including friends keep saying that I'm weird and annoying. This is something I've been hearing for years now but recently it makes me feel upset I suppose. These days, I try to behave different than my usual self when I'm around my friends or people in general. It feels as if I'm not being real. I even avoid texting my friends on my own just for the sake of not making them uncomfortable or annoying by the way I act. I feel like I'm annoying just by texting someone. I feel like no one wants to talk to me. Or no one enjoys talking to me. I also have constantly been left out of things, such as group chats my friends make or left out of stuff by people in real life. Just like when I went to school, people left me out in gym class often. I really don't know what is weird about me and over time I've closed myself off to making friends and the idea of talking with new people is painful. I thought it was my style (I don't know how to explain it but I often wear baggy pants and band shirts), music taste or my interest in genral, since they have made fun of me for it. But I'm not sure. My friends were also calling me a femcel behind my back?? I'm not sure what's up with that but they were also calling me weird, ugly and annoying. As far as I know I'm not ugly, I wouldn’t say I’m super or the most attractive but I would say I’m average. I go to the gym nearly every day, In good shape, I like to think of my self as a nice and thoughtful girl, so I’m not sure what I do to be treated like this. I've been bullied by multiple people most of my life and I never understood why.
1.1.25.
How could you possibly hurt someone this bad ? Love does not exist because it is an idealistic concept. Love at first sight is just lust. Not love. I'm sick of falling in love just to get hurt. Half of you cant trust fully even your partner. You dont truly know whats in their head. And also love is a chemical that tricks your brain into believing it's something special. I wish someone could prove me wrong each time I fell in love I was devastated. Twice. Especially being around these days, there’s no such thing as love. Too much lying cheating and deceiving. If you happen to have found your idea of “love” hold onto it at all costs! but basically for me, I haven't been able to find it. It's actually tearing me apart. It's at a point I don't like couples. Seeing couples in real life and online, none of the people are perfect cause no one is , but I really don’t feel inferior to them, but they’re them and I’m me, and I feel like I’m not capable of having someone love me that way, it doesn’t feel real. My mind won’t let me even consider the idea that someone could have feelings toward me. Right now I still have a really big crush on the same guy but for me crushes are absolutely devastating. My heart always seems to get stomped on. Now when I say love I'm talking about relationship wise. Not family, friends or even pets. It's hard to believe in love in a romantic way when ppl stomp on it. I hope I find it someday, I understand relationships aren't what's important but it would be really nice. I even had a dude come hit on me today when he had a GIRLFRIEND. Which again like I said cheating, lying and everything else. I'm super glad I checked his account because I can't imagine her being with a guy like that. Maybe my person is in another universe, dimension or something because I don't know. I even told this guy I already had a crush on someone and he, got mad at me ? Like hello I'm sorry I can't control who I love/like. But half of the time it's not love for these idiots it's lust. Stop confusing lust with love. I am not a big fan of that romance stuff anymore I don't think it exists.
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I've realistically always been a quiet person,never been a fan of talking to people I don't know - or socializing. I've never had irl really. I don't hangout with people my own age. I only go out on walks by myself which I love. I can listen to my music really loudly, I can think to myself, on top of that I'm burning calories while doing so. I also never really had an actual relationship with a guy besides online. So that means I'm still a virgin at 20 but I don't mind as much. But I really do love my online friends a lot. Which now that I'm 20 it feels weird to say. I hate getting older, but I guess it's a part of life? But I don't really mind not being a teenager anymore, those years were quite lonely and the worse. People were mean to me I used to get bullied ever since middle school. Of course, when I go out in public I have girls pointing at me and laughing but they aren't worth my time. But when I was in school it was different. They would make fun of my eyes and say "they are huge and look like they're gonna fall out of my head". They would make fun of my looks, I even had some guys who'd put hands on me but I won't get into that, they'd make fun of my style, hair, glasses just everything at this point. I never understood why I'm assuming it comes from their own insecurities and then waiting to feel superior which is dumb why bully someone to make yourself feel better about yourself. Whatever I suppose hopefully they'll grow out of it, I still see them in public and I can hear them laughing. Can't wait to move to the city.
12.21.24
12.28.24
Ever since I was little people including friends keep saying that I'm weird and annoying. This is something I've been hearing for years now but recently it makes me feel upset I suppose. These days, I try to behave different than my usual self when I'm around my friends or people in general. It feels as if I'm not being real. I even avoid texting my friends on my own just for the sake of not making them uncomfortable or annoying by the way I act. I feel like I'm annoying just by texting someone. I feel like no one wants to talk to me. Or no one enjoys talking to me. I also have constantly been left out of things, such as group chats my friends make or left out of stuff by people in real life. Just like when I went to school, people left me out in gym class often. I really don't know what is weird about me and over time I've closed myself off to making friends and the idea of talking with new people is painful. I thought it was my style (I don't know how to explain it but I often wear baggy pants and band shirts), music taste or my interest in genral, since they have made fun of me for it. But I'm not sure. My friends were also calling me a femcel behind my back?? I'm not sure what's up with that but they were also calling me weird, ugly and annoying. As far as I know I'm not ugly, I wouldn’t say I’m super or the most attractive but I would say I’m average. I go to the gym nearly every day, In good shape, I like to think of my self as a nice and thoughtful girl, so I’m not sure what I do to be treated like this. I've been bullied by multiple people most of my life and I never understood why.
1.1.25.
How could you possibly hurt someone this bad ? Love does not exist because it is an idealistic concept. Love at first sight is just lust. Not love. I'm sick of falling in love just to get hurt. Half of you cant trust fully even your partner. You dont truly know whats in their head. And also love is a chemical that tricks your brain into believing it's something special. I wish someone could prove me wrong each time I fell in love I was devastated. Twice. Especially being around these days, there’s no such thing as love. Too much lying cheating and deceiving. If you happen to have found your idea of “love” hold onto it at all costs! but basically for me, I haven't been able to find it. It's actually tearing me apart. It's at a point I don't like couples. Seeing couples in real life and online, none of the people are perfect cause no one is , but I really don’t feel inferior to them, but they’re them and I’m me, and I feel like I’m not capable of having someone love me that way, it doesn’t feel real. My mind won’t let me even consider the idea that someone could have feelings toward me. Right now I still have a really big crush on the same guy but for me crushes are absolutely devastating. My heart always seems to get stomped on. Now when I say love I'm talking about relationship wise. Not family, friends or even pets. It's hard to believe in love in a romantic way when ppl stomp on it. I hope I find it someday, I understand relationships aren't what's important but it would be really nice. I even had a dude come hit on me today when he had a GIRLFRIEND. Which again like I said cheating, lying and everything else. I'm super glad I checked his account because I can't imagine her being with a guy like that. Maybe my person is in another universe, dimension or something because I don't know. I even told this guy I already had a crush on someone and he, got mad at me ? Like hello I'm sorry I can't control who I love/like. But half of the time it's not love for these idiots it's lust. Stop confusing lust with love. I am not a big fan of that romance stuff anymore I don't think it exists.
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1.1.25.
How could you possibly hurt someone this bad ? Love does not exist because it is an idealistic concept. Love at first sight is just lust. Not love. I'm sick of falling in love just to get hurt. Half of you cant trust fully even your partner. You dont truly know whats in their head. And also love is a chemical that tricks your brain into believing it's something special. I wish someone could prove me wrong each time I fell in love I was devastated. Twice. Especially being around these days, there’s no such thing as love. Too much lying cheating and deceiving. If you happen to have found your idea of “love” hold onto it at all costs! but basically for me, I haven't been able to find it. It's actually tearing me apart. It's at a point I don't like couples. Seeing couples in real life and online, none of the people are perfect cause no one is , but I really don’t feel inferior to them, but they’re them and I’m me, and I feel like I’m not capable of having someone love me that way, it doesn’t feel real. My mind won’t let me even consider the idea that someone could have feelings toward me. Right now I still have a really big crush on the same guy but for me crushes are absolutely devastating. My heart always seems to get stomped on. Now when I say love I'm talking about relationship wise. Not family, friends or even pets. It's hard to believe in love in a romantic way when ppl stomp on it. I hope I find it someday, I understand relationships aren't what's important but it would be really nice. I even had a dude come hit on me today when he had a GIRLFRIEND. Which again like I said cheating, lying and everything else. I'm super glad I checked his account because I can't imagine her being with a guy like that. Maybe my person is in another universe, dimension or something because I don't know. I even told this guy I already had a crush on someone and he, got mad at me ? Like hello I'm sorry I can't control who I love/like. But half of the time it's not love for these idiots it's lust. Stop confusing lust with love. I am not a big fan of that romance stuff anymore I don't think it exists.
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