I’m so in love with you. It is sickening. I can’t get you off my mind, I can’t seem to find ways to get over you. I just want you. I want you so much. I see you everywhere. Every spot, every street I go to. I think of you with me. I can't live without you, I am nothing without you. I breathed for you, tore myself apart and put myself back tougher for you
10.21.24
People are also biased, judgemental, and mean. On the internet, you don’t have to see the people you are talking to. Many people are more likely to be confrontational when they don’t have to deal with a physical person. Personally, I don't care for judging endless theres a good enough reason to.I think people like to feel important and superior. So that's why they judge I understand it can be other things such as insecurities, jealousy, certain beliefs and religion. But I was told judging a sin so I don't know why they do it.
10.22.24
I really udedy hate how I don't follow these people's beauty standards, I was always the last option and the outcast and the left behind person. Always given the bad jobs. People yell at me if I made a mistake but yet when this girl who was the most prettiest girl in class did, she was told "hey it's okay" "people make mistakes". They are not nice to me nor kind. They made me feel worse and they made me feel less important and they made me feel, that I don't matter to any kind and that I am not worth it. Everything I do is for them considered weird and awkward and they have always made fun of me and bullied me. Most of all they belittle me. All of this I experienced it all. I really hope someone can understand this. I never really even had a boyfriend in real life. I hate it. Y'all ruined my self esteem from day one. I have no idea why I never did anything to anyone, but you bullied and made fun of me ? I don't know how many pictures I will put on here but you know I do want people to know who the owner is. I don't think it's necessary. But I don't let these things bother me anymore, there's no point necessary. I've gotten compliments from a modeling agent once.
11.5.24
So there's this guy which obviously he's my boyfriend maybe even a husband,one day I will refer to him as (M) when talking about him,since his name starts with that. But just something about him, he's sweet he isn't like the other guys. Maybe it's a turn in point? I'm just scared he'll find someone better he's generally amazing, cute and sweet. Ever since meeting him I felt less angry, less sad and other things. But I do get sick at the thought of him leaving me I like they call it "love sick". But it just my body telling me I really love him, according to my doctor. I really love this one guys. I think he's the one and hopefully it'll last. He's like the most perfect, handsome amazing guy and I'm glad I met him, he makes me so happy and I feel so safe with him. He's my angel. Anyway untill next time.
11.6.24
I thought I have finally found my purpose in this life,I wanted to be a wife to him and maybe even kids in the future. I would've done anything for him. Thus Until next time. I hope one-day these writings can actually be for someone.
11.7.24
The last version of me that they knew, or still know me as. That's something I can't change. Sometimes I wish it was something I could change. But other times I hope they remember me that way, Although I wouldn't want to spoil the memories we had together with the person that I am today even if I got off on the wrong side. They wouldn't have been as fond by me they remember me by. I just wanna be a good person, ive done bad things but does that make someone a bad person necessarily. But for now I think I wanna focus on my relationship or career as of right now.Although I do get scared of letting people in which tends to cause me to do things that sabotage the relationship. I don't mean to do certain things, and I don't know why I do it. Maybe I need to speak with someone about that.
11.7.24
The last phrase I said to you was a cowardly attempt to reveal the depth of admiration and love I have for you. I haven’t been honest with you because I fear the consequences of my emotions Im sorry if I ever did anything to hurt you, I'm sorry if I ever did anything wrong. I fear my vulnerability I don't like falling in love cause of a little thing called bpd. But this is how I feel: I feel as though I have been looking for you all of my life. As if every relationship failed because you were my true soulmate. I want to spend the rest of my life with you, cherish you, be there for you love, I wanna get married to you someday and maybe possibly start a family. You are the missing chamber of my heart I didn’t know existed. I dont care how crazy it sounds, I want you and only you. You're my first love, my one and only true love. I think we might be soulmates. Even if things don't work out I will always love you.
I can’t imagine that chamber ever not being a part of me. I don't wanna lose you ever. I wonder if you have any idea just how much you mean to me? I know messed up. I'm sorry, I still love you. I don't know why I did what I did but at the time I was hurt, and I do crazy stuff nor do I have any kinda control over my actions when I'm hurt. Hm
11.8.24
Currently listening to - Sign of the Times. Yes I know its a Harry Styles song but it is a beautiful song I think he did a really great job on it honestly. The words and just the way it sounds. Anyways ironically it's 5:55 am when I'm typing this. But anyways lately I've had these strangerapid, unplanned actions or more so actually on impulsives, I think I've been quiet, certainly any outbursts were only occasional with ffriends. I don't mean to hurt them or say mean things but I don't mean them at all. But mostly quietly taking it out on myself alone, I'm not sure anyone knows about it besides a small group. I understand I got a diagnosis so it kind of sums things up. Of course I won't do anything to myself it's not in my morals.
11.8.24
I honestly am beginning to picture two different selves within me. One self that lives life happily, and wants to live the best life she can live. The other self that literally sabotages everything that the happy self has done and achieved. Being all crazy, easily triggered, self destruction. Literally throwing away all the love that she has received in a fit of anger or doing things, I don't know why I do it when I'm hurt or angry. I don't want to act on impulse anymore. Of course I want that girl that lives happily, married, a good career and a family someday. I don't like to self sabotage of course I don't purposely do it. But sometimes you can't help it and I really hope if someone's reading this they understand, or at least are at a sense of self that someone understands them too. But I don't wanna self sabotage anymore, I don't wanna ruin friendships or relationships. I want to actually get married one day and start a family. Yeah I may have done something really bad that could end it but sometimes I don't see right from wrong because of intense emotions and extreme thinking patterns:
at the time at least I'll probably end up seeing the wrong a week later than end up regretting it. Nor do I think before I do certain things. Of course I don't mean to hurt people I would never go out of my way to hurt anyone in any way. I also don't like talking about this so this is why I made this website so I could remain somewhat anonymous.
11.8.24
If love is such a good thing why does it hurt so bad? I just wanna feel my hand in someone's, the heat of our own breath between us, and how you'd feel with your lips on mine. I just want someone to love. I hope I find that someday. I really thought I did but maybe he's still out there I just have to wait for him to come. Maybe I'm just blind and he's right in front of me I just don't see it.
11.11.24
Well, self-hatred I developed from not getting my emotional needs met in childhood makes my thoughts obnoxious or erratic: Why did they not send a heart? I’ve told them i can’t handle changes, I knew they never cared enough to listen. Maybe I said or did something wrong. Do they hate me? Ofc they do, how could they not? I’m definitely unlovable. I’m never good enough. Maybe I should leave them before they leave me which obviously I'm not going to do because I love them so much. Or will anyone ever love me for me? Is it possible? Certainly, it has to be possible, there's someone out there for everyone right? When i’ve calmed down I drown in something called guilt I don’t want to react like that, I don't like constantly being on edge, of never having a brain that’s quiet. I don't wanna hurt people's feelings of course because, I would never go out of my way to hurt someone in any way. I'm just glad I don't go off on people as much as I want to cause I learned to keep it down. But I don't wanna be impulsive anymore gosh I do not wanna act on my impulses but it gets hard.
11.12.24
This is like a rollercoaster of emotions constantly, all within 24 hours. Feeling empty, and a strong urge to fill the void inside. Anxiety, guilt, second guessing over literally everything, shame, loneliness. Regrets. Anger, lots of anger over small things, very often, with anger, frustration that's usually completely out of context but at times they it's not like that for me. Being set off easily, and quickly. A sense of dread and uneasiness about my future. Extremely hard not living in the past, I wish people would understand that . Admiration and hate, switching constantly, for the same person or maybe someone you may like . Feeling land masking. And lastly Unresolved trauma. I’m scared of the world, and in fear that nobody around me loves me for who I am and I am a burden. Yet I feel like everyone could like me. But I feel like I annoy everyone and I should just go away and leave them alone. Switching to "I'm gonna spam text them all day" then "I'm gonna not speak to this person all day" then people not believing anything is wrong. Meaning in reality, your head is a war zone or a jungle. The list goes on. I don't wanna type it all out on juat this one writings.
11.13.24
I really feel robbed of a life I was never able to heal from the trauma , to the mental health diagnosis which already took years to get. All my relationships up til now have been disasters. After a lifetime of being that way I hope my next one won't be that way, I will not make the same mistakes I made at all. I just hope I can find someone to love me for me. I'm sick of being told "he never loved you", "who could ever love you". "I could never love you". It really hurts. Like deeply hurts. Feeling like you will never be loved the way you love others. Is such a kick to the stomach.
11.13.24
I wish the Universe would send my person already. I genuinely don't feel like I deserve all this loneliness and heartache or maybe I do. Look neither of us were innocent in this relationship. We both did bad things. I understand I did something extremely bad and unforgivable but it still hurts I really did love him I just have a weird way of showing it. I still remember everything between us. I still think of you. I still wish you would come back to me again, even though you don't want to. I miss you. You did really hurt me a lot but that gave me no reason to turn around and do the same to you. I'm sorry.
11.15.24
I really hate that the smallest thing can happen and suddenly I feel like the room is collapsing and my chest is going to explode. I hate having to choose whether I should let it continue to grow and destroy me inside or if I'm going to open the flood gates and probably hurt the ones I love in the process which I would really hate to do so. I hate myself when it is all over and the guilt, shame and regret sits on my chest like a ton of rocks. Really really heavy rocks. I want to take it all back but I can't and all I want to do is to cry. It's not like I can ignore it, the emotional and sometimes physical mess is there to be cleaned up and it feels too big to face at the end of it. But my mistakes are made and those can't be taken back no matter what I do. Emotions so strong my mind can't comprehend nor even react to it switching so fast from happy to sad to emotional to happy. Like yes you may think "oh that's normal" but you're not understanding what I'm saying if you do think that. do the same to you. I'm sorry.
.
People are also biased, judgemental, and mean. On the internet, you don’t have to see the people you are talking to. Many people are more likely to be confrontational when they don’t have to deal with a physical person. Personally, I don't care for judging endless theres a good enough reason to.I think people like to feel important and superior. So that's why they judge I understand it can be other things such as insecurities, jealousy, certain beliefs and religion. But I was told judging a sin so I don't know why they do it.
10.22.24
I really udedy hate how I don't follow these people's beauty standards, I was always the last option and the outcast and the left behind person. Always given the bad jobs. People yell at me if I made a mistake but yet when this girl who was the most prettiest girl in class did, she was told "hey it's okay" "people make mistakes". They are not nice to me nor kind. They made me feel worse and they made me feel less important and they made me feel, that I don't matter to any kind and that I am not worth it. Everything I do is for them considered weird and awkward and they have always made fun of me and bullied me. Most of all they belittle me. All of this I experienced it all. I really hope someone can understand this. I never really even had a boyfriend in real life. I hate it. Y'all ruined my self esteem from day one. I have no idea why I never did anything to anyone, but you bullied and made fun of me ? I don't know how many pictures I will put on here but you know I do want people to know who the owner is. I don't think it's necessary. But I don't let these things bother me anymore, there's no point necessary. I've gotten compliments from a modeling agent once.
11.5.24
So there's this guy which obviously he's my boyfriend maybe even a husband,one day I will refer to him as (M) when talking about him,since his name starts with that. But just something about him, he's sweet he isn't like the other guys. Maybe it's a turn in point? I'm just scared he'll find someone better he's generally amazing, cute and sweet. Ever since meeting him I felt less angry, less sad and other things. But I do get sick at the thought of him leaving me I like they call it "love sick". But it just my body telling me I really love him, according to my doctor. I really love this one guys. I think he's the one and hopefully it'll last. He's like the most perfect, handsome amazing guy and I'm glad I met him, he makes me so happy and I feel so safe with him. He's my angel. Anyway untill next time.
11.6.24
I thought I have finally found my purpose in this life,I wanted to be a wife to him and maybe even kids in the future. I would've done anything for him. Thus Until next time. I hope one-day these writings can actually be for someone.
11.7.24
The last version of me that they knew, or still know me as. That's something I can't change. Sometimes I wish it was something I could change. But other times I hope they remember me that way, Although I wouldn't want to spoil the memories we had together with the person that I am today even if I got off on the wrong side. They wouldn't have been as fond by me they remember me by. I just wanna be a good person, ive done bad things but does that make someone a bad person necessarily. But for now I think I wanna focus on my relationship or career as of right now.Although I do get scared of letting people in which tends to cause me to do things that sabotage the relationship. I don't mean to do certain things, and I don't know why I do it. Maybe I need to speak with someone about that.
11.7.24
The last phrase I said to you was a cowardly attempt to reveal the depth of admiration and love I have for you. I haven’t been honest with you because I fear the consequences of my emotions Im sorry if I ever did anything to hurt you, I'm sorry if I ever did anything wrong. I fear my vulnerability I don't like falling in love cause of a little thing called bpd. But this is how I feel: I feel as though I have been looking for you all of my life. As if every relationship failed because you were my true soulmate. I want to spend the rest of my life with you, cherish you, be there for you love, I wanna get married to you someday and maybe possibly start a family. You are the missing chamber of my heart I didn’t know existed. I dont care how crazy it sounds, I want you and only you. You're my first love, my one and only true love. I think we might be soulmates. Even if things don't work out I will always love you.
I can’t imagine that chamber ever not being a part of me. I don't wanna lose you ever. I wonder if you have any idea just how much you mean to me? I know messed up. I'm sorry, I still love you. I don't know why I did what I did but at the time I was hurt, and I do crazy stuff nor do I have any kinda control over my actions when I'm hurt. Hm
11.8.24
Currently listening to - Sign of the Times. Yes I know its a Harry Styles song but it is a beautiful song I think he did a really great job on it honestly. The words and just the way it sounds. Anyways ironically it's 5:55 am when I'm typing this. But anyways lately I've had these strangerapid, unplanned actions or more so actually on impulsives, I think I've been quiet, certainly any outbursts were only occasional with ffriends. I don't mean to hurt them or say mean things but I don't mean them at all. But mostly quietly taking it out on myself alone, I'm not sure anyone knows about it besides a small group. I understand I got a diagnosis so it kind of sums things up. Of course I won't do anything to myself it's not in my morals.
11.8.24
I honestly am beginning to picture two different selves within me. One self that lives life happily, and wants to live the best life she can live. The other self that literally sabotages everything that the happy self has done and achieved. Being all crazy, easily triggered, self destruction. Literally throwing away all the love that she has received in a fit of anger or doing things, I don't know why I do it when I'm hurt or angry. I don't want to act on impulse anymore. Of course I want that girl that lives happily, married, a good career and a family someday. I don't like to self sabotage of course I don't purposely do it. But sometimes you can't help it and I really hope if someone's reading this they understand, or at least are at a sense of self that someone understands them too. But I don't wanna self sabotage anymore, I don't wanna ruin friendships or relationships. I want to actually get married one day and start a family. Yeah I may have done something really bad that could end it but sometimes I don't see right from wrong because of intense emotions and extreme thinking patterns:
at the time at least I'll probably end up seeing the wrong a week later than end up regretting it. Nor do I think before I do certain things. Of course I don't mean to hurt people I would never go out of my way to hurt anyone in any way. I also don't like talking about this so this is why I made this website so I could remain somewhat anonymous.
11.8.24
If love is such a good thing why does it hurt so bad? I just wanna feel my hand in someone's, the heat of our own breath between us, and how you'd feel with your lips on mine. I just want someone to love. I hope I find that someday. I really thought I did but maybe he's still out there I just have to wait for him to come. Maybe I'm just blind and he's right in front of me I just don't see it.
11.11.24
Well, self-hatred I developed from not getting my emotional needs met in childhood makes my thoughts obnoxious or erratic: Why did they not send a heart? I’ve told them i can’t handle changes, I knew they never cared enough to listen. Maybe I said or did something wrong. Do they hate me? Ofc they do, how could they not? I’m definitely unlovable. I’m never good enough. Maybe I should leave them before they leave me which obviously I'm not going to do because I love them so much. Or will anyone ever love me for me? Is it possible? Certainly, it has to be possible, there's someone out there for everyone right? When i’ve calmed down I drown in something called guilt I don’t want to react like that, I don't like constantly being on edge, of never having a brain that’s quiet. I don't wanna hurt people's feelings of course because, I would never go out of my way to hurt someone in any way. I'm just glad I don't go off on people as much as I want to cause I learned to keep it down. But I don't wanna be impulsive anymore gosh I do not wanna act on my impulses but it gets hard.
11.12.24
This is like a rollercoaster of emotions constantly, all within 24 hours. Feeling empty, and a strong urge to fill the void inside. Anxiety, guilt, second guessing over literally everything, shame, loneliness. Regrets. Anger, lots of anger over small things, very often, with anger, frustration that's usually completely out of context but at times they it's not like that for me. Being set off easily, and quickly. A sense of dread and uneasiness about my future. Extremely hard not living in the past, I wish people would understand that . Admiration and hate, switching constantly, for the same person or maybe someone you may like . Feeling land masking. And lastly Unresolved trauma. I’m scared of the world, and in fear that nobody around me loves me for who I am and I am a burden. Yet I feel like everyone could like me. But I feel like I annoy everyone and I should just go away and leave them alone. Switching to "I'm gonna spam text them all day" then "I'm gonna not speak to this person all day" then people not believing anything is wrong. Meaning in reality, your head is a war zone or a jungle. The list goes on. I don't wanna type it all out on juat this one writings.
11.13.24
I really feel robbed of a life I was never able to heal from the trauma , to the mental health diagnosis which already took years to get. All my relationships up til now have been disasters. After a lifetime of being that way I hope my next one won't be that way, I will not make the same mistakes I made at all. I just hope I can find someone to love me for me. I'm sick of being told "he never loved you", "who could ever love you". "I could never love you". It really hurts. Like deeply hurts. Feeling like you will never be loved the way you love others. Is such a kick to the stomach.
11.13.24
I wish the Universe would send my person already. I genuinely don't feel like I deserve all this loneliness and heartache or maybe I do. Look neither of us were innocent in this relationship. We both did bad things. I understand I did something extremely bad and unforgivable but it still hurts I really did love him I just have a weird way of showing it. I still remember everything between us. I still think of you. I still wish you would come back to me again, even though you don't want to. I miss you. You did really hurt me a lot but that gave me no reason to turn around and do the same to you. I'm sorry.
11.15.24
I really hate that the smallest thing can happen and suddenly I feel like the room is collapsing and my chest is going to explode. I hate having to choose whether I should let it continue to grow and destroy me inside or if I'm going to open the flood gates and probably hurt the ones I love in the process which I would really hate to do so. I hate myself when it is all over and the guilt, shame and regret sits on my chest like a ton of rocks. Really really heavy rocks. I want to take it all back but I can't and all I want to do is to cry. It's not like I can ignore it, the emotional and sometimes physical mess is there to be cleaned up and it feels too big to face at the end of it. But my mistakes are made and those can't be taken back no matter what I do. Emotions so strong my mind can't comprehend nor even react to it switching so fast from happy to sad to emotional to happy. Like yes you may think "oh that's normal" but you're not understanding what I'm saying if you do think that. do the same to you. I'm sorry.
.
So there's this guy which obviously he's my boyfriend maybe even a husband,one day I will refer to him as (M) when talking about him,since his name starts with that. But just something about him, he's sweet he isn't like the other guys. Maybe it's a turn in point? I'm just scared he'll find someone better he's generally amazing, cute and sweet. Ever since meeting him I felt less angry, less sad and other things. But I do get sick at the thought of him leaving me I like they call it "love sick". But it just my body telling me I really love him, according to my doctor. I really love this one guys. I think he's the one and hopefully it'll last. He's like the most perfect, handsome amazing guy and I'm glad I met him, he makes me so happy and I feel so safe with him. He's my angel. Anyway untill next time.
11.6.24
I thought I have finally found my purpose in this life,I wanted to be a wife to him and maybe even kids in the future. I would've done anything for him. Thus Until next time. I hope one-day these writings can actually be for someone.
11.7.24
The last version of me that they knew, or still know me as. That's something I can't change. Sometimes I wish it was something I could change. But other times I hope they remember me that way, Although I wouldn't want to spoil the memories we had together with the person that I am today even if I got off on the wrong side. They wouldn't have been as fond by me they remember me by. I just wanna be a good person, ive done bad things but does that make someone a bad person necessarily. But for now I think I wanna focus on my relationship or career as of right now.Although I do get scared of letting people in which tends to cause me to do things that sabotage the relationship. I don't mean to do certain things, and I don't know why I do it. Maybe I need to speak with someone about that.
11.7.24
The last phrase I said to you was a cowardly attempt to reveal the depth of admiration and love I have for you. I haven’t been honest with you because I fear the consequences of my emotions Im sorry if I ever did anything to hurt you, I'm sorry if I ever did anything wrong. I fear my vulnerability I don't like falling in love cause of a little thing called bpd. But this is how I feel: I feel as though I have been looking for you all of my life. As if every relationship failed because you were my true soulmate. I want to spend the rest of my life with you, cherish you, be there for you love, I wanna get married to you someday and maybe possibly start a family. You are the missing chamber of my heart I didn’t know existed. I dont care how crazy it sounds, I want you and only you. You're my first love, my one and only true love. I think we might be soulmates. Even if things don't work out I will always love you.
I can’t imagine that chamber ever not being a part of me. I don't wanna lose you ever. I wonder if you have any idea just how much you mean to me? I know messed up. I'm sorry, I still love you. I don't know why I did what I did but at the time I was hurt, and I do crazy stuff nor do I have any kinda control over my actions when I'm hurt. Hm
11.8.24
Currently listening to - Sign of the Times. Yes I know its a Harry Styles song but it is a beautiful song I think he did a really great job on it honestly. The words and just the way it sounds. Anyways ironically it's 5:55 am when I'm typing this. But anyways lately I've had these strangerapid, unplanned actions or more so actually on impulsives, I think I've been quiet, certainly any outbursts were only occasional with ffriends. I don't mean to hurt them or say mean things but I don't mean them at all. But mostly quietly taking it out on myself alone, I'm not sure anyone knows about it besides a small group. I understand I got a diagnosis so it kind of sums things up. Of course I won't do anything to myself it's not in my morals.
11.8.24
I honestly am beginning to picture two different selves within me. One self that lives life happily, and wants to live the best life she can live. The other self that literally sabotages everything that the happy self has done and achieved. Being all crazy, easily triggered, self destruction. Literally throwing away all the love that she has received in a fit of anger or doing things, I don't know why I do it when I'm hurt or angry. I don't want to act on impulse anymore. Of course I want that girl that lives happily, married, a good career and a family someday. I don't like to self sabotage of course I don't purposely do it. But sometimes you can't help it and I really hope if someone's reading this they understand, or at least are at a sense of self that someone understands them too. But I don't wanna self sabotage anymore, I don't wanna ruin friendships or relationships. I want to actually get married one day and start a family. Yeah I may have done something really bad that could end it but sometimes I don't see right from wrong because of intense emotions and extreme thinking patterns:
at the time at least I'll probably end up seeing the wrong a week later than end up regretting it. Nor do I think before I do certain things. Of course I don't mean to hurt people I would never go out of my way to hurt anyone in any way. I also don't like talking about this so this is why I made this website so I could remain somewhat anonymous.
11.8.24
If love is such a good thing why does it hurt so bad? I just wanna feel my hand in someone's, the heat of our own breath between us, and how you'd feel with your lips on mine. I just want someone to love. I hope I find that someday. I really thought I did but maybe he's still out there I just have to wait for him to come. Maybe I'm just blind and he's right in front of me I just don't see it.
11.11.24
Well, self-hatred I developed from not getting my emotional needs met in childhood makes my thoughts obnoxious or erratic: Why did they not send a heart? I’ve told them i can’t handle changes, I knew they never cared enough to listen. Maybe I said or did something wrong. Do they hate me? Ofc they do, how could they not? I’m definitely unlovable. I’m never good enough. Maybe I should leave them before they leave me which obviously I'm not going to do because I love them so much. Or will anyone ever love me for me? Is it possible? Certainly, it has to be possible, there's someone out there for everyone right? When i’ve calmed down I drown in something called guilt I don’t want to react like that, I don't like constantly being on edge, of never having a brain that’s quiet. I don't wanna hurt people's feelings of course because, I would never go out of my way to hurt someone in any way. I'm just glad I don't go off on people as much as I want to cause I learned to keep it down. But I don't wanna be impulsive anymore gosh I do not wanna act on my impulses but it gets hard.
11.12.24
This is like a rollercoaster of emotions constantly, all within 24 hours. Feeling empty, and a strong urge to fill the void inside. Anxiety, guilt, second guessing over literally everything, shame, loneliness. Regrets. Anger, lots of anger over small things, very often, with anger, frustration that's usually completely out of context but at times they it's not like that for me. Being set off easily, and quickly. A sense of dread and uneasiness about my future. Extremely hard not living in the past, I wish people would understand that . Admiration and hate, switching constantly, for the same person or maybe someone you may like . Feeling land masking. And lastly Unresolved trauma. I’m scared of the world, and in fear that nobody around me loves me for who I am and I am a burden. Yet I feel like everyone could like me. But I feel like I annoy everyone and I should just go away and leave them alone. Switching to "I'm gonna spam text them all day" then "I'm gonna not speak to this person all day" then people not believing anything is wrong. Meaning in reality, your head is a war zone or a jungle. The list goes on. I don't wanna type it all out on juat this one writings.
11.13.24
I really feel robbed of a life I was never able to heal from the trauma , to the mental health diagnosis which already took years to get. All my relationships up til now have been disasters. After a lifetime of being that way I hope my next one won't be that way, I will not make the same mistakes I made at all. I just hope I can find someone to love me for me. I'm sick of being told "he never loved you", "who could ever love you". "I could never love you". It really hurts. Like deeply hurts. Feeling like you will never be loved the way you love others. Is such a kick to the stomach.
11.13.24
I wish the Universe would send my person already. I genuinely don't feel like I deserve all this loneliness and heartache or maybe I do. Look neither of us were innocent in this relationship. We both did bad things. I understand I did something extremely bad and unforgivable but it still hurts I really did love him I just have a weird way of showing it. I still remember everything between us. I still think of you. I still wish you would come back to me again, even though you don't want to. I miss you. You did really hurt me a lot but that gave me no reason to turn around and do the same to you. I'm sorry.
11.15.24
I really hate that the smallest thing can happen and suddenly I feel like the room is collapsing and my chest is going to explode. I hate having to choose whether I should let it continue to grow and destroy me inside or if I'm going to open the flood gates and probably hurt the ones I love in the process which I would really hate to do so. I hate myself when it is all over and the guilt, shame and regret sits on my chest like a ton of rocks. Really really heavy rocks. I want to take it all back but I can't and all I want to do is to cry. It's not like I can ignore it, the emotional and sometimes physical mess is there to be cleaned up and it feels too big to face at the end of it. But my mistakes are made and those can't be taken back no matter what I do. Emotions so strong my mind can't comprehend nor even react to it switching so fast from happy to sad to emotional to happy. Like yes you may think "oh that's normal" but you're not understanding what I'm saying if you do think that. do the same to you. I'm sorry.
.
I thought I have finally found my purpose in this life,I wanted to be a wife to him and maybe even kids in the future. I would've done anything for him. Thus Until next time. I hope one-day these writings can actually be for someone.
11.7.24
The last version of me that they knew, or still know me as. That's something I can't change. Sometimes I wish it was something I could change. But other times I hope they remember me that way, Although I wouldn't want to spoil the memories we had together with the person that I am today even if I got off on the wrong side. They wouldn't have been as fond by me they remember me by. I just wanna be a good person, ive done bad things but does that make someone a bad person necessarily. But for now I think I wanna focus on my relationship or career as of right now.Although I do get scared of letting people in which tends to cause me to do things that sabotage the relationship. I don't mean to do certain things, and I don't know why I do it. Maybe I need to speak with someone about that.
11.7.24
The last phrase I said to you was a cowardly attempt to reveal the depth of admiration and love I have for you. I haven’t been honest with you because I fear the consequences of my emotions Im sorry if I ever did anything to hurt you, I'm sorry if I ever did anything wrong. I fear my vulnerability I don't like falling in love cause of a little thing called bpd. But this is how I feel: I feel as though I have been looking for you all of my life. As if every relationship failed because you were my true soulmate. I want to spend the rest of my life with you, cherish you, be there for you love, I wanna get married to you someday and maybe possibly start a family. You are the missing chamber of my heart I didn’t know existed. I dont care how crazy it sounds, I want you and only you. You're my first love, my one and only true love. I think we might be soulmates. Even if things don't work out I will always love you.
I can’t imagine that chamber ever not being a part of me. I don't wanna lose you ever. I wonder if you have any idea just how much you mean to me? I know messed up. I'm sorry, I still love you. I don't know why I did what I did but at the time I was hurt, and I do crazy stuff nor do I have any kinda control over my actions when I'm hurt. Hm
11.8.24
Currently listening to - Sign of the Times. Yes I know its a Harry Styles song but it is a beautiful song I think he did a really great job on it honestly. The words and just the way it sounds. Anyways ironically it's 5:55 am when I'm typing this. But anyways lately I've had these strangerapid, unplanned actions or more so actually on impulsives, I think I've been quiet, certainly any outbursts were only occasional with ffriends. I don't mean to hurt them or say mean things but I don't mean them at all. But mostly quietly taking it out on myself alone, I'm not sure anyone knows about it besides a small group. I understand I got a diagnosis so it kind of sums things up. Of course I won't do anything to myself it's not in my morals.
11.8.24
I honestly am beginning to picture two different selves within me. One self that lives life happily, and wants to live the best life she can live. The other self that literally sabotages everything that the happy self has done and achieved. Being all crazy, easily triggered, self destruction. Literally throwing away all the love that she has received in a fit of anger or doing things, I don't know why I do it when I'm hurt or angry. I don't want to act on impulse anymore. Of course I want that girl that lives happily, married, a good career and a family someday. I don't like to self sabotage of course I don't purposely do it. But sometimes you can't help it and I really hope if someone's reading this they understand, or at least are at a sense of self that someone understands them too. But I don't wanna self sabotage anymore, I don't wanna ruin friendships or relationships. I want to actually get married one day and start a family. Yeah I may have done something really bad that could end it but sometimes I don't see right from wrong because of intense emotions and extreme thinking patterns:
at the time at least I'll probably end up seeing the wrong a week later than end up regretting it. Nor do I think before I do certain things. Of course I don't mean to hurt people I would never go out of my way to hurt anyone in any way. I also don't like talking about this so this is why I made this website so I could remain somewhat anonymous.
11.8.24
If love is such a good thing why does it hurt so bad? I just wanna feel my hand in someone's, the heat of our own breath between us, and how you'd feel with your lips on mine. I just want someone to love. I hope I find that someday. I really thought I did but maybe he's still out there I just have to wait for him to come. Maybe I'm just blind and he's right in front of me I just don't see it.
11.11.24
Well, self-hatred I developed from not getting my emotional needs met in childhood makes my thoughts obnoxious or erratic: Why did they not send a heart? I’ve told them i can’t handle changes, I knew they never cared enough to listen. Maybe I said or did something wrong. Do they hate me? Ofc they do, how could they not? I’m definitely unlovable. I’m never good enough. Maybe I should leave them before they leave me which obviously I'm not going to do because I love them so much. Or will anyone ever love me for me? Is it possible? Certainly, it has to be possible, there's someone out there for everyone right? When i’ve calmed down I drown in something called guilt I don’t want to react like that, I don't like constantly being on edge, of never having a brain that’s quiet. I don't wanna hurt people's feelings of course because, I would never go out of my way to hurt someone in any way. I'm just glad I don't go off on people as much as I want to cause I learned to keep it down. But I don't wanna be impulsive anymore gosh I do not wanna act on my impulses but it gets hard.
11.12.24
This is like a rollercoaster of emotions constantly, all within 24 hours. Feeling empty, and a strong urge to fill the void inside. Anxiety, guilt, second guessing over literally everything, shame, loneliness. Regrets. Anger, lots of anger over small things, very often, with anger, frustration that's usually completely out of context but at times they it's not like that for me. Being set off easily, and quickly. A sense of dread and uneasiness about my future. Extremely hard not living in the past, I wish people would understand that . Admiration and hate, switching constantly, for the same person or maybe someone you may like . Feeling land masking. And lastly Unresolved trauma. I’m scared of the world, and in fear that nobody around me loves me for who I am and I am a burden. Yet I feel like everyone could like me. But I feel like I annoy everyone and I should just go away and leave them alone. Switching to "I'm gonna spam text them all day" then "I'm gonna not speak to this person all day" then people not believing anything is wrong. Meaning in reality, your head is a war zone or a jungle. The list goes on. I don't wanna type it all out on juat this one writings.
11.13.24
I really feel robbed of a life I was never able to heal from the trauma , to the mental health diagnosis which already took years to get. All my relationships up til now have been disasters. After a lifetime of being that way I hope my next one won't be that way, I will not make the same mistakes I made at all. I just hope I can find someone to love me for me. I'm sick of being told "he never loved you", "who could ever love you". "I could never love you". It really hurts. Like deeply hurts. Feeling like you will never be loved the way you love others. Is such a kick to the stomach.
11.13.24
I wish the Universe would send my person already. I genuinely don't feel like I deserve all this loneliness and heartache or maybe I do. Look neither of us were innocent in this relationship. We both did bad things. I understand I did something extremely bad and unforgivable but it still hurts I really did love him I just have a weird way of showing it. I still remember everything between us. I still think of you. I still wish you would come back to me again, even though you don't want to. I miss you. You did really hurt me a lot but that gave me no reason to turn around and do the same to you. I'm sorry.
11.15.24
I really hate that the smallest thing can happen and suddenly I feel like the room is collapsing and my chest is going to explode. I hate having to choose whether I should let it continue to grow and destroy me inside or if I'm going to open the flood gates and probably hurt the ones I love in the process which I would really hate to do so. I hate myself when it is all over and the guilt, shame and regret sits on my chest like a ton of rocks. Really really heavy rocks. I want to take it all back but I can't and all I want to do is to cry. It's not like I can ignore it, the emotional and sometimes physical mess is there to be cleaned up and it feels too big to face at the end of it. But my mistakes are made and those can't be taken back no matter what I do. Emotions so strong my mind can't comprehend nor even react to it switching so fast from happy to sad to emotional to happy. Like yes you may think "oh that's normal" but you're not understanding what I'm saying if you do think that. do the same to you. I'm sorry.
.
The last phrase I said to you was a cowardly attempt to reveal the depth of admiration and love I have for you. I haven’t been honest with you because I fear the consequences of my emotions Im sorry if I ever did anything to hurt you, I'm sorry if I ever did anything wrong. I fear my vulnerability I don't like falling in love cause of a little thing called bpd. But this is how I feel: I feel as though I have been looking for you all of my life. As if every relationship failed because you were my true soulmate. I want to spend the rest of my life with you, cherish you, be there for you love, I wanna get married to you someday and maybe possibly start a family. You are the missing chamber of my heart I didn’t know existed. I dont care how crazy it sounds, I want you and only you. You're my first love, my one and only true love. I think we might be soulmates. Even if things don't work out I will always love you. I can’t imagine that chamber ever not being a part of me. I don't wanna lose you ever. I wonder if you have any idea just how much you mean to me? I know messed up. I'm sorry, I still love you. I don't know why I did what I did but at the time I was hurt, and I do crazy stuff nor do I have any kinda control over my actions when I'm hurt. Hm
11.8.24
Currently listening to - Sign of the Times. Yes I know its a Harry Styles song but it is a beautiful song I think he did a really great job on it honestly. The words and just the way it sounds. Anyways ironically it's 5:55 am when I'm typing this. But anyways lately I've had these strangerapid, unplanned actions or more so actually on impulsives, I think I've been quiet, certainly any outbursts were only occasional with ffriends. I don't mean to hurt them or say mean things but I don't mean them at all. But mostly quietly taking it out on myself alone, I'm not sure anyone knows about it besides a small group. I understand I got a diagnosis so it kind of sums things up. Of course I won't do anything to myself it's not in my morals.
11.8.24
I honestly am beginning to picture two different selves within me. One self that lives life happily, and wants to live the best life she can live. The other self that literally sabotages everything that the happy self has done and achieved. Being all crazy, easily triggered, self destruction. Literally throwing away all the love that she has received in a fit of anger or doing things, I don't know why I do it when I'm hurt or angry. I don't want to act on impulse anymore. Of course I want that girl that lives happily, married, a good career and a family someday. I don't like to self sabotage of course I don't purposely do it. But sometimes you can't help it and I really hope if someone's reading this they understand, or at least are at a sense of self that someone understands them too. But I don't wanna self sabotage anymore, I don't wanna ruin friendships or relationships. I want to actually get married one day and start a family. Yeah I may have done something really bad that could end it but sometimes I don't see right from wrong because of intense emotions and extreme thinking patterns:
at the time at least I'll probably end up seeing the wrong a week later than end up regretting it. Nor do I think before I do certain things. Of course I don't mean to hurt people I would never go out of my way to hurt anyone in any way. I also don't like talking about this so this is why I made this website so I could remain somewhat anonymous.
11.8.24
If love is such a good thing why does it hurt so bad? I just wanna feel my hand in someone's, the heat of our own breath between us, and how you'd feel with your lips on mine. I just want someone to love. I hope I find that someday. I really thought I did but maybe he's still out there I just have to wait for him to come. Maybe I'm just blind and he's right in front of me I just don't see it.
11.11.24
Well, self-hatred I developed from not getting my emotional needs met in childhood makes my thoughts obnoxious or erratic: Why did they not send a heart? I’ve told them i can’t handle changes, I knew they never cared enough to listen. Maybe I said or did something wrong. Do they hate me? Ofc they do, how could they not? I’m definitely unlovable. I’m never good enough. Maybe I should leave them before they leave me which obviously I'm not going to do because I love them so much. Or will anyone ever love me for me? Is it possible? Certainly, it has to be possible, there's someone out there for everyone right? When i’ve calmed down I drown in something called guilt I don’t want to react like that, I don't like constantly being on edge, of never having a brain that’s quiet. I don't wanna hurt people's feelings of course because, I would never go out of my way to hurt someone in any way. I'm just glad I don't go off on people as much as I want to cause I learned to keep it down. But I don't wanna be impulsive anymore gosh I do not wanna act on my impulses but it gets hard.
11.12.24
This is like a rollercoaster of emotions constantly, all within 24 hours. Feeling empty, and a strong urge to fill the void inside. Anxiety, guilt, second guessing over literally everything, shame, loneliness. Regrets. Anger, lots of anger over small things, very often, with anger, frustration that's usually completely out of context but at times they it's not like that for me. Being set off easily, and quickly. A sense of dread and uneasiness about my future. Extremely hard not living in the past, I wish people would understand that . Admiration and hate, switching constantly, for the same person or maybe someone you may like . Feeling land masking. And lastly Unresolved trauma. I’m scared of the world, and in fear that nobody around me loves me for who I am and I am a burden. Yet I feel like everyone could like me. But I feel like I annoy everyone and I should just go away and leave them alone. Switching to "I'm gonna spam text them all day" then "I'm gonna not speak to this person all day" then people not believing anything is wrong. Meaning in reality, your head is a war zone or a jungle. The list goes on. I don't wanna type it all out on juat this one writings.
11.13.24
I really feel robbed of a life I was never able to heal from the trauma , to the mental health diagnosis which already took years to get. All my relationships up til now have been disasters. After a lifetime of being that way I hope my next one won't be that way, I will not make the same mistakes I made at all. I just hope I can find someone to love me for me. I'm sick of being told "he never loved you", "who could ever love you". "I could never love you". It really hurts. Like deeply hurts. Feeling like you will never be loved the way you love others. Is such a kick to the stomach.
11.13.24
I wish the Universe would send my person already. I genuinely don't feel like I deserve all this loneliness and heartache or maybe I do. Look neither of us were innocent in this relationship. We both did bad things. I understand I did something extremely bad and unforgivable but it still hurts I really did love him I just have a weird way of showing it. I still remember everything between us. I still think of you. I still wish you would come back to me again, even though you don't want to. I miss you. You did really hurt me a lot but that gave me no reason to turn around and do the same to you. I'm sorry.
11.15.24
I really hate that the smallest thing can happen and suddenly I feel like the room is collapsing and my chest is going to explode. I hate having to choose whether I should let it continue to grow and destroy me inside or if I'm going to open the flood gates and probably hurt the ones I love in the process which I would really hate to do so. I hate myself when it is all over and the guilt, shame and regret sits on my chest like a ton of rocks. Really really heavy rocks. I want to take it all back but I can't and all I want to do is to cry. It's not like I can ignore it, the emotional and sometimes physical mess is there to be cleaned up and it feels too big to face at the end of it. But my mistakes are made and those can't be taken back no matter what I do. Emotions so strong my mind can't comprehend nor even react to it switching so fast from happy to sad to emotional to happy. Like yes you may think "oh that's normal" but you're not understanding what I'm saying if you do think that. do the same to you. I'm sorry.
.
I honestly am beginning to picture two different selves within me. One self that lives life happily, and wants to live the best life she can live. The other self that literally sabotages everything that the happy self has done and achieved. Being all crazy, easily triggered, self destruction. Literally throwing away all the love that she has received in a fit of anger or doing things, I don't know why I do it when I'm hurt or angry. I don't want to act on impulse anymore. Of course I want that girl that lives happily, married, a good career and a family someday. I don't like to self sabotage of course I don't purposely do it. But sometimes you can't help it and I really hope if someone's reading this they understand, or at least are at a sense of self that someone understands them too. But I don't wanna self sabotage anymore, I don't wanna ruin friendships or relationships. I want to actually get married one day and start a family. Yeah I may have done something really bad that could end it but sometimes I don't see right from wrong because of intense emotions and extreme thinking patterns: at the time at least I'll probably end up seeing the wrong a week later than end up regretting it. Nor do I think before I do certain things. Of course I don't mean to hurt people I would never go out of my way to hurt anyone in any way. I also don't like talking about this so this is why I made this website so I could remain somewhat anonymous.
11.8.24
If love is such a good thing why does it hurt so bad? I just wanna feel my hand in someone's, the heat of our own breath between us, and how you'd feel with your lips on mine. I just want someone to love. I hope I find that someday. I really thought I did but maybe he's still out there I just have to wait for him to come. Maybe I'm just blind and he's right in front of me I just don't see it.
Well, self-hatred I developed from not getting my emotional needs met in childhood makes my thoughts obnoxious or erratic: Why did they not send a heart? I’ve told them i can’t handle changes, I knew they never cared enough to listen. Maybe I said or did something wrong. Do they hate me? Ofc they do, how could they not? I’m definitely unlovable. I’m never good enough. Maybe I should leave them before they leave me which obviously I'm not going to do because I love them so much. Or will anyone ever love me for me? Is it possible? Certainly, it has to be possible, there's someone out there for everyone right? When i’ve calmed down I drown in something called guilt I don’t want to react like that, I don't like constantly being on edge, of never having a brain that’s quiet. I don't wanna hurt people's feelings of course because, I would never go out of my way to hurt someone in any way. I'm just glad I don't go off on people as much as I want to cause I learned to keep it down. But I don't wanna be impulsive anymore gosh I do not wanna act on my impulses but it gets hard.
11.12.24
This is like a rollercoaster of emotions constantly, all within 24 hours. Feeling empty, and a strong urge to fill the void inside. Anxiety, guilt, second guessing over literally everything, shame, loneliness. Regrets. Anger, lots of anger over small things, very often, with anger, frustration that's usually completely out of context but at times they it's not like that for me. Being set off easily, and quickly. A sense of dread and uneasiness about my future. Extremely hard not living in the past, I wish people would understand that . Admiration and hate, switching constantly, for the same person or maybe someone you may like . Feeling land masking. And lastly Unresolved trauma. I’m scared of the world, and in fear that nobody around me loves me for who I am and I am a burden. Yet I feel like everyone could like me. But I feel like I annoy everyone and I should just go away and leave them alone. Switching to "I'm gonna spam text them all day" then "I'm gonna not speak to this person all day" then people not believing anything is wrong. Meaning in reality, your head is a war zone or a jungle. The list goes on. I don't wanna type it all out on juat this one writings.
11.13.24
I really feel robbed of a life I was never able to heal from the trauma , to the mental health diagnosis which already took years to get. All my relationships up til now have been disasters. After a lifetime of being that way I hope my next one won't be that way, I will not make the same mistakes I made at all. I just hope I can find someone to love me for me. I'm sick of being told "he never loved you", "who could ever love you". "I could never love you". It really hurts. Like deeply hurts. Feeling like you will never be loved the way you love others. Is such a kick to the stomach.
11.13.24
I wish the Universe would send my person already. I genuinely don't feel like I deserve all this loneliness and heartache or maybe I do. Look neither of us were innocent in this relationship. We both did bad things. I understand I did something extremely bad and unforgivable but it still hurts I really did love him I just have a weird way of showing it. I still remember everything between us. I still think of you. I still wish you would come back to me again, even though you don't want to. I miss you. You did really hurt me a lot but that gave me no reason to turn around and do the same to you. I'm sorry.
11.15.24
I really hate that the smallest thing can happen and suddenly I feel like the room is collapsing and my chest is going to explode. I hate having to choose whether I should let it continue to grow and destroy me inside or if I'm going to open the flood gates and probably hurt the ones I love in the process which I would really hate to do so. I hate myself when it is all over and the guilt, shame and regret sits on my chest like a ton of rocks. Really really heavy rocks. I want to take it all back but I can't and all I want to do is to cry. It's not like I can ignore it, the emotional and sometimes physical mess is there to be cleaned up and it feels too big to face at the end of it. But my mistakes are made and those can't be taken back no matter what I do. Emotions so strong my mind can't comprehend nor even react to it switching so fast from happy to sad to emotional to happy. Like yes you may think "oh that's normal" but you're not understanding what I'm saying if you do think that. do the same to you. I'm sorry.
.
Well, self-hatred I developed from not getting my emotional needs met in childhood makes my thoughts obnoxious or erratic: Why did they not send a heart? I’ve told them i can’t handle changes, I knew they never cared enough to listen. Maybe I said or did something wrong. Do they hate me? Ofc they do, how could they not? I’m definitely unlovable. I’m never good enough. Maybe I should leave them before they leave me which obviously I'm not going to do because I love them so much. Or will anyone ever love me for me? Is it possible? Certainly, it has to be possible, there's someone out there for everyone right? When i’ve calmed down I drown in something called guilt I don’t want to react like that, I don't like constantly being on edge, of never having a brain that’s quiet. I don't wanna hurt people's feelings of course because, I would never go out of my way to hurt someone in any way. I'm just glad I don't go off on people as much as I want to cause I learned to keep it down. But I don't wanna be impulsive anymore gosh I do not wanna act on my impulses but it gets hard.
This is like a rollercoaster of emotions constantly, all within 24 hours. Feeling empty, and a strong urge to fill the void inside. Anxiety, guilt, second guessing over literally everything, shame, loneliness. Regrets. Anger, lots of anger over small things, very often, with anger, frustration that's usually completely out of context but at times they it's not like that for me. Being set off easily, and quickly. A sense of dread and uneasiness about my future. Extremely hard not living in the past, I wish people would understand that . Admiration and hate, switching constantly, for the same person or maybe someone you may like . Feeling land masking. And lastly Unresolved trauma. I’m scared of the world, and in fear that nobody around me loves me for who I am and I am a burden. Yet I feel like everyone could like me. But I feel like I annoy everyone and I should just go away and leave them alone. Switching to "I'm gonna spam text them all day" then "I'm gonna not speak to this person all day" then people not believing anything is wrong. Meaning in reality, your head is a war zone or a jungle. The list goes on. I don't wanna type it all out on juat this one writings.
11.13.24
I really feel robbed of a life I was never able to heal from the trauma , to the mental health diagnosis which already took years to get. All my relationships up til now have been disasters. After a lifetime of being that way I hope my next one won't be that way, I will not make the same mistakes I made at all. I just hope I can find someone to love me for me. I'm sick of being told "he never loved you", "who could ever love you". "I could never love you". It really hurts. Like deeply hurts. Feeling like you will never be loved the way you love others. Is such a kick to the stomach.
11.13.24
I wish the Universe would send my person already. I genuinely don't feel like I deserve all this loneliness and heartache or maybe I do. Look neither of us were innocent in this relationship. We both did bad things. I understand I did something extremely bad and unforgivable but it still hurts I really did love him I just have a weird way of showing it. I still remember everything between us. I still think of you. I still wish you would come back to me again, even though you don't want to. I miss you. You did really hurt me a lot but that gave me no reason to turn around and do the same to you. I'm sorry.
11.15.24
I really hate that the smallest thing can happen and suddenly I feel like the room is collapsing and my chest is going to explode. I hate having to choose whether I should let it continue to grow and destroy me inside or if I'm going to open the flood gates and probably hurt the ones I love in the process which I would really hate to do so. I hate myself when it is all over and the guilt, shame and regret sits on my chest like a ton of rocks. Really really heavy rocks. I want to take it all back but I can't and all I want to do is to cry. It's not like I can ignore it, the emotional and sometimes physical mess is there to be cleaned up and it feels too big to face at the end of it. But my mistakes are made and those can't be taken back no matter what I do. Emotions so strong my mind can't comprehend nor even react to it switching so fast from happy to sad to emotional to happy. Like yes you may think "oh that's normal" but you're not understanding what I'm saying if you do think that. do the same to you. I'm sorry.
.
This is like a rollercoaster of emotions constantly, all within 24 hours. Feeling empty, and a strong urge to fill the void inside. Anxiety, guilt, second guessing over literally everything, shame, loneliness. Regrets. Anger, lots of anger over small things, very often, with anger, frustration that's usually completely out of context but at times they it's not like that for me. Being set off easily, and quickly. A sense of dread and uneasiness about my future. Extremely hard not living in the past, I wish people would understand that . Admiration and hate, switching constantly, for the same person or maybe someone you may like . Feeling land masking. And lastly Unresolved trauma. I’m scared of the world, and in fear that nobody around me loves me for who I am and I am a burden. Yet I feel like everyone could like me. But I feel like I annoy everyone and I should just go away and leave them alone. Switching to "I'm gonna spam text them all day" then "I'm gonna not speak to this person all day" then people not believing anything is wrong. Meaning in reality, your head is a war zone or a jungle. The list goes on. I don't wanna type it all out on juat this one writings.
I really feel robbed of a life I was never able to heal from the trauma , to the mental health diagnosis which already took years to get. All my relationships up til now have been disasters. After a lifetime of being that way I hope my next one won't be that way, I will not make the same mistakes I made at all. I just hope I can find someone to love me for me. I'm sick of being told "he never loved you", "who could ever love you". "I could never love you". It really hurts. Like deeply hurts. Feeling like you will never be loved the way you love others. Is such a kick to the stomach.
11.13.24
I wish the Universe would send my person already. I genuinely don't feel like I deserve all this loneliness and heartache or maybe I do. Look neither of us were innocent in this relationship. We both did bad things. I understand I did something extremely bad and unforgivable but it still hurts I really did love him I just have a weird way of showing it. I still remember everything between us. I still think of you. I still wish you would come back to me again, even though you don't want to. I miss you. You did really hurt me a lot but that gave me no reason to turn around and do the same to you. I'm sorry.
11.15.24
I really hate that the smallest thing can happen and suddenly I feel like the room is collapsing and my chest is going to explode. I hate having to choose whether I should let it continue to grow and destroy me inside or if I'm going to open the flood gates and probably hurt the ones I love in the process which I would really hate to do so. I hate myself when it is all over and the guilt, shame and regret sits on my chest like a ton of rocks. Really really heavy rocks. I want to take it all back but I can't and all I want to do is to cry. It's not like I can ignore it, the emotional and sometimes physical mess is there to be cleaned up and it feels too big to face at the end of it. But my mistakes are made and those can't be taken back no matter what I do. Emotions so strong my mind can't comprehend nor even react to it switching so fast from happy to sad to emotional to happy. Like yes you may think "oh that's normal" but you're not understanding what I'm saying if you do think that. do the same to you. I'm sorry.
.
I really feel robbed of a life I was never able to heal from the trauma , to the mental health diagnosis which already took years to get. All my relationships up til now have been disasters. After a lifetime of being that way I hope my next one won't be that way, I will not make the same mistakes I made at all. I just hope I can find someone to love me for me. I'm sick of being told "he never loved you", "who could ever love you". "I could never love you". It really hurts. Like deeply hurts. Feeling like you will never be loved the way you love others. Is such a kick to the stomach.
I wish the Universe would send my person already. I genuinely don't feel like I deserve all this loneliness and heartache or maybe I do. Look neither of us were innocent in this relationship. We both did bad things. I understand I did something extremely bad and unforgivable but it still hurts I really did love him I just have a weird way of showing it. I still remember everything between us. I still think of you. I still wish you would come back to me again, even though you don't want to. I miss you. You did really hurt me a lot but that gave me no reason to turn around and do the same to you. I'm sorry.
11.15.24
I really hate that the smallest thing can happen and suddenly I feel like the room is collapsing and my chest is going to explode. I hate having to choose whether I should let it continue to grow and destroy me inside or if I'm going to open the flood gates and probably hurt the ones I love in the process which I would really hate to do so. I hate myself when it is all over and the guilt, shame and regret sits on my chest like a ton of rocks. Really really heavy rocks. I want to take it all back but I can't and all I want to do is to cry. It's not like I can ignore it, the emotional and sometimes physical mess is there to be cleaned up and it feels too big to face at the end of it. But my mistakes are made and those can't be taken back no matter what I do. Emotions so strong my mind can't comprehend nor even react to it switching so fast from happy to sad to emotional to happy. Like yes you may think "oh that's normal" but you're not understanding what I'm saying if you do think that. do the same to you. I'm sorry.
.
I wish the Universe would send my person already. I genuinely don't feel like I deserve all this loneliness and heartache or maybe I do. Look neither of us were innocent in this relationship. We both did bad things. I understand I did something extremely bad and unforgivable but it still hurts I really did love him I just have a weird way of showing it. I still remember everything between us. I still think of you. I still wish you would come back to me again, even though you don't want to. I miss you. You did really hurt me a lot but that gave me no reason to turn around and do the same to you. I'm sorry.
I really hate that the smallest thing can happen and suddenly I feel like the room is collapsing and my chest is going to explode. I hate having to choose whether I should let it continue to grow and destroy me inside or if I'm going to open the flood gates and probably hurt the ones I love in the process which I would really hate to do so. I hate myself when it is all over and the guilt, shame and regret sits on my chest like a ton of rocks. Really really heavy rocks. I want to take it all back but I can't and all I want to do is to cry. It's not like I can ignore it, the emotional and sometimes physical mess is there to be cleaned up and it feels too big to face at the end of it. But my mistakes are made and those can't be taken back no matter what I do. Emotions so strong my mind can't comprehend nor even react to it switching so fast from happy to sad to emotional to happy. Like yes you may think "oh that's normal" but you're not understanding what I'm saying if you do think that. do the same to you. I'm sorry.
.
I really hate that the smallest thing can happen and suddenly I feel like the room is collapsing and my chest is going to explode. I hate having to choose whether I should let it continue to grow and destroy me inside or if I'm going to open the flood gates and probably hurt the ones I love in the process which I would really hate to do so. I hate myself when it is all over and the guilt, shame and regret sits on my chest like a ton of rocks. Really really heavy rocks. I want to take it all back but I can't and all I want to do is to cry. It's not like I can ignore it, the emotional and sometimes physical mess is there to be cleaned up and it feels too big to face at the end of it. But my mistakes are made and those can't be taken back no matter what I do. Emotions so strong my mind can't comprehend nor even react to it switching so fast from happy to sad to emotional to happy. Like yes you may think "oh that's normal" but you're not understanding what I'm saying if you do think that. do the same to you. I'm sorry.
.